Train To Become An Internet Goy™ (Satire)

Looking for extra income? Who isn’t these days?

Exciting new opportunities have opened up for serving the needs of ultra orthodox Jews. Many of them do not use the Internet because their rabbis have told them it is forbidden. Nevertheless they need the Internet to fill job applications, apply for government benefits, make online purchases, read sacred texts and most importantly to find out what is happening inside their own world by reading forbidden blogs. Many ultra orthodox Jews won’t dare have an internet connection in their homes because they will lose social standing. However they know the rulings are silly and they want Internet content. So they rely on an Internet Goy™

There are now people making an excellent living or spare income by using their basic Internet skills in ways that meet the needs of this community.

Our training program will turn you into a qualified IG™(Internet Goy). Our study at home program covers the following points:

  • The blogs, scandals and personalities for which people want coverage (e.g., Failed Messiah is not about Jesus, The Unorthodox Jew is a blog aimed at the ultra orthodox world, Frum Follies is not a burlesque show, the Awareness Center is not about meditation, etc)
  • The major segments in that world (hasid vs litvak, Aaron vs Zalman, Chabad/Lubavitch vs everyone, etc)
  • The lingo and euphemisms (e.g., lashon horah, znus, geirus, pidyon shvuyim, daas torah, beis din, shidduch, etc)

We will also teach you how to advertise your services through word of mouth discounts and kickbacks, how to take orders and transliterate Hebrew and Yiddish phrases, and how to arrange delivery by print or electronic media.

Contact us today and start on this promising career.

Our skilled staff of certified Internet Goyim™ will get you started.



10 thoughts on “Train To Become An Internet Goy™ (Satire)

    • Ask your rabbi whether he uses a Jew or a non-Jew. Naturally he relies on his askan. But usually the askanim themselves rely on an IG. Some have the view that it should be a non-Jew so as to not corrupt a Jew. But others feel the same applies to chilonim or even the Modern Othrodox or Sephardim. Others prefer that it be an Ashkenazic Chareidi who has a heter for parnassah. These days, in some circles, a heter for parnassah is a virtual license for extra income as a Jewish IG.

      Unfortunately, many are entering this area of parnassah without heterim. The whole thing is terribly unregulated.

      There are rumors that there will soon be a new ban on functioning as an IG if you are not really a goy. What is holding up the ruling is the debate about chilonim.

      I will report on these developments as I get more information.

  1. Most likely those best suited to be internet goyim will be children of a mother whose conversion was retroactively annulled. Since they themselves won’t be Jewish and yet are fully conversant with the language, dialogue and customs, they’d be the ultimate internet goyim! What we need, then , is continued extremism and corruption in the conversion machine! Laid Tropper, where are you when we need you?

    • Dear David,

      Suitable candidates need a teuidah from the eidah charedis to exclude the slight, (but nevertheless, halachically terrifying) possibility that they harbor Zionist tendencies. Generally, they should get a referral letter from a badatz mashgiach who already knows them. There are many Arabs with sufficient skill in both English and Hebrew to do well at this job. There are plans underway to establish courses in Yiddish and French as well.

      The other curriculum points were covered in our advertisement.

      A number of these individuals already do outsourced work for American telephone hotline services.

      There was one very embarrassing episode where a man called up in desperate suicidal straits and the phone operator tried to convinced him to come to Israel and kept on asking if he knew how to drive a large truck.

      I hope this answers your questions.

  2. Pingback: It’s Adar, It Is Time For Satire « FRUM FOLLIES by Yerachmiel Lopin

  3. Pingback: The Internet is Forbidden, Even One Pixel, Even On a Tiny Screen (Satire) « FRUM FOLLIES by Yerachmiel Lopin

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