satirical item from my archives of previous years.
TalisBan Spins off YireiBan™ and Sells it to Askanim, IncWall Street Journal
Islamabad- 2-10-2011, Mahmoud Ali Mabrak
TalisBan, Ltd, the producers of the popular software product FatwaBan™, conceded defeat in their efforts to penetrate the Orthodox Jewish market with YireiBan™. Yesterday they announced they had spun off the product and sold it to privately held Askanim, Inc. in New York City.
TalisBan™ revolutionized the production of fatwās cutting the time from initiation to publication by up to 90%. The system has methods for collecting signatures and consent forms from notable mullahs that allow TalisBan™ to generate fatwās when predefined requirements are met without making a mullah waste time investigating the facts in a particular case. The software has a complex ranking system for determining the first mullah to sign. It then assigns other signatures automatically based on knowledge of the status hierarchy of mullahs and each mullah’s political interests. It even factors in the interests of members of their extended family “Once a top Mullah signs the rest of these guys have to sign or they will be accused of being lax on sharia law or their relatives will gang up on them” according to Sheree Tabriz, a reporter for Al Jazeera.
Based on its success in the Islamic market, TalisBan™ looked into other markets and settled quickly on Orthodox Jews. According to Aradan Sabourjian, TalisBan’s Director of Product Development,
Orthodox Jews are the ones most like Muslims when it comes to the extremism of their religious leaders, the clergy fear of being too moderate, and the value of bans for commercial and political purposes. But we couldn’t overcome their aversion to a product originating in the Islamic world. We thought that we could collaborate with them just like hallal and kosher certifiers but it turns out to be a whole different ball of wax.
We wish our new buyers success in their endeavors. They will change the name of their product before they start marketing it. But every time I see a new kol koreh, as they call fatwas in Hebrew, I will experience a twinge of pride. I am not prejudiced against anyone. I think all forms of extremism are good.
An unidentified insider at Askanim, Inc claims to have already lined up the signatures of gedolim, as prominent rabbis are called. He said,
We are going to outdo the askanim (movers and shakers) who delivered kol korehs (proclamations) for Yisroel Moshe Weingarten and against Slifkin, Kamenetsky, Lipa Schmeltzer, and Vos Iz Neias (VIN). Just you wait, once we start production the orthodox world will be staggering from our punches like a Lubavitcher hasid on Purim. We just need to come up with a new name or we will banned for accepting goyish Muslim products.
Hat Tips to Joey and Jay for suggesting TalisBan and YireiBan