The Religion With The Most Chumrahs Is Like The Country With The Most Patents (Satire)

In anticipation of Purim, I am reposting this
satirical item from my archives of previous years. 

Press Release: Kol Chumrah (Adar 14, 5770). Not to be distributed on unfiltered Internet!

Rav Herschel GroisKanoi announced the establishment of Kol Chumrah today. As he explained,

there are now so many chumrahs that no one can keep track. Then we have new bans about which people need guidance. Unfortunately we have also had counterfeit and spoof chumrahs. It is mamash sakkonos nefoshos. Three elderly women in Flatbush had to be rescued by Hatzalah after they tried to stop breathing. They had been fooled by a purim chumrah against breathing because of insects in the air. Nowadays the letzanim make up false bans to confuse the religious public. Unfortunately they are hard to distinguish from real bans. Take the lox controversy. Some say it is fishy. Others argue that enaskis parasites have mutated. Now you can check with us and confirm the ban.

Rabbi Groiskanoi insisted.

there is nothing wrong with the increase in chumrahs. Chumrahs are like patents; they are an indicator of halachic status. The more advanced a community, the more chumrahs they produce. People evaluate the scientific productivity of a country by the number of patents it accumulates. The rise of South East Asia became clear when we saw how they moving ahead of the US on patents. We aim to be the SE Asia of chumrahs. In this way chareidim demonstrate their superiority over Sefardim and the modern orthodox. Let’s not even talk about Conservative Jews. Their so-callled Rabbis have never met a chumrah they liked.

Kol Chumrah’s new Chumrah Tzetel will now be like the kashrus booklet you get before pesach. It will keep you up to date on chumrahs, like l’havdil, ESPN keeps sports fans up to date. Of course our list will not be on the Internet, may its wires and appliances be torn out from our midst. For a modest subscription fee you will get a weekly chumrah list mailed to your house and on a daily basis the list of new chumrahs will be faxed to you as they come up. We will operate a hotline that you can check just like you call the eruv hotline.

We wish all our subscribers a freylich and kosher peysach. Be like the wise son who has every chumrah explained to him.

Order your Chumrah Tzetel today for only $72. This low rate is possible because of a generous subsidy by OPEH (Organization for Propagation of Extra Hechsherim).

We are working on a special Eretz Yisroel version that will come as an attractive set of self gluing wall posters.

See also:

True-Torah Movement Takes Over the Orthodox World (Satire)

It’s Adar!: Time to Get Ready By Reading Satire


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