A Career Newsletter for Becoming a Gadol (Satire)

I am reposting this satirical
item from my archives of previous years

B’Derech HaGadolim, is a new trade newsletter for ambitious rabbis. Subscriptions are by invitation only.

ARTICLES

  • Going Chasidish: When is it a good career strategy?
  • Changing Rules of Yerushah: Why should my brother be the only Rebbe?
  • Anivos: How to Make Sure your followers notice
  • Hashgachah: Finding a Profitable Niche
  • Unmaking of a Gadol’s Son: How to Refute Knowledgeable Insiders
  • Shmiras Haloshon: When to be machmir and when to be meikil
  • Pashkavilim: The Methods of the most successful kanoim
  • Humras: How they can boost your career
  • Heterim: Why they are dangerous in a Rabbi-eat-Rabbi world
  • Overcoming a College Education: Lessons from the Lubavitcher Rebbe shlitah/zatzal
  • The Mitzvah of Tax Evasion: Is there a shir and what is it?
  • Molesters: When to throw them under the bus
  • Anti-Zionism: Where to position yourself on the continuum
  • Living in a world with mosrim: Lessons from Deal and Spinka
  • Assisting Elderly Gadolim by assembling the facts for them
  • The Large Entourage: Why it isn’t bittul torah

Simchas and Tzorris

Births, Bar Mitzvahs, Weddings, Deaths, pashkavilim, and Legal Events

Market Watch: A Survey and Appraisal of Recent Rabbinical Shidduchim. Market watch informs you of current values and trends. Alas the trend is down right now. Too many of the father-in-laws are in trouble with the overall market decline, and legal expenses.  Another distressing trend is the reduction of the value of the basic chosson package of nadin (dowry), silver religious articles, streimel(s), watch, seforim, furniture, furnishings, and wedding costs.

Some rabbonim are issuing sumptuary rules. This is the English term for Rules limiting spending which kings impose so their wealthier subjects could not adopt royalty-like luxuries. Unless you are a presumptive heir these rules will affect the value of the package. This situation is in flux and varies dramatically across movements.

Those of you in a position to slide over to another movement may want to look for a movement that keeps down costs because this will save you money as the parent of a girl, and you can still intermarry your sons to girls from more generous movements.

Streimel trend (As we go to print we are apprised of an alarming development. The old streimel package of 2-3 is under attack and seems to be dropping down to just one of inferior quality (e.g., shmate/rain quality for less than $1,400). If you are concerned please join our rabbinical affiliate Zeh Keli V’anvehu- Save the streimlach. (Streimel tip to Yungermann)

Method of calculation: All listings and calculations are in American dollars. Non-cash assets are appraised at current market values.  Promises of future payments will be converted to present value with further downward adjustments when there is reason to be concerned about the father-in-law’s ability to pay out.

Acknowledging Contributors: Depending on your preference this can be with plain hat tip, borsalino tip, or streimel tip.

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