How to Tell if You Are an OU Jew

Which of these acts is OK?

  1. Eating Quinoa on Passover
  2. Cheating on Taxes
  3. Defending a Child Molester

If you chose eating quinoa on Passover you will have to become a Safardi, or switch your allegiance to another group. The Orthodox Union (OU) joined the heimish bandwagon and declared that quinoa is a form of kitniyot. You can’t blame them. It makes more business sense to mess with foodies and vegans on quinoa, a minor kosher certification revenue item, than force their customers to eat their bagels without lox.

If you fervently believe in cheating on taxes you may want to switch your loyalties to another orthodox group because the RCA, the rabbinic arm of the OU terminated Rabbi Dovid Cohen, after he was reported to have delivered a shiur on shabbos saying cheating on taxes is OK. Or, you can stay in the fold but be careful not to be caught saying it publicly.

Here is some good news for those who believe in defending a child molester, you’re an OU sort of Jew. Senior OU Kosher posek Rabbi Yisroel Belsky, still claims Yosef Kolko is innocent even after he pleaded guilty. Belsky is no shrinking violet. After Kolko was arrested he issued a statement defending Kolko, accusing the father of the victim of himself being a molester, and declaring the father a moser and rodef.  One thing you can say about Belsky, he never backs down. Chatasi (I sinned) is not part of his vocabulary. To oblige Belsky the OU has manipulated the Rabbinical Council of America (RCA), its rabbinic arm, into issuing an inconsistent statement that simultaneously claims it supports victims of abuse but also is in agreement with Rabbi Belsky. This statement omits most of the important points they made in previous statements, like decrying witness intimidation.

8 thoughts on “How to Tell if You Are an OU Jew

  1. I love your sense of humor!! But you are so right!if the “big OU” won’t stand up for what’s right, how will anyone??

  2. Re: quinoa as potentially kitniyot, one of the fears expressed (see JW article 3/15/2013) is that the wind might blow an errant grain of barley from a distant field which may unfortunately make friends with the quinoa. Not a lamdan, and not a posek, just a simple Am Haaretz but. this paranoid fear brings up a variety of questions in my unlearned mind.
    I wonder about the rule of batel b’shishim? I wonder about a wide variety of other circumstances where the wind might perversely carry some unwanted molecule from one distant place to another. YL, could create a great drama here, animals accidentally eating,,,,,,I think the only really safe food with full HASGACHA symbols, of every sect, might be MANAH. oops, was MANAH chametz?

    • It depends on who gave the hashgachah on the manna. Also, was there continuous supervision as it flew down when it might have encountered a naughty speck of pork from a pig roast in the Philippines? Etc. There are so many questions. Some also believe that in NYC you have to puree the manna and run it through a filter.

      • I hear that in williamsburg, flatbush, even crown heights, that the book stores sell those filters. They have specialized ones, One division is per cult, and the other is per which speck is suspected of being the culprit, Magnifying glasses are thrown in, no charge, together with the test for sperm count, but that is mainly in SATMAR downtown, although there are some rumors floating around that the uptown shmutsaDICK rebbe gies the sperm count test free to some of his favorite pedos. K. YOEL omg who wouold ever name their child joel after that. The name is polluted for all of eternity.
        and in case anyone dumber than I is wondering, why the sperm count test, well it is obvious as heck, they don’t want to violate the issur re spilling the seed. Some enterprising urologist should set up a vasectomy clinic there. One less chet, then , only mishkav zachor remains, there is a logical continuation, but i am not going there……WELL, HINT, SOMETHING TO DO WITH BAALEI MUM AND KOHEN GADOL

  3. “…as it flew down when it might have encountered a naughty speck of pork from a pig roast in the Philippines…”

    That’s just great. Love it!

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