(PARODY) D. A. Hynes Announces “Ask An Askan” to Better Serve the Jewish Community

Charles Hynes photo by Patrick Cashin / Metropolitan Transportation Authority, 2012

Charles Hynes photo by Patrick Cashin / Metropolitan Transportation Authority, 2012

Brooklyn- 6/29/13
Yurine Anav
New York Daily Znus

The Office of the District Attorney of Kings County announced a new program to improve the efficiency of its already spectacularly successful Kol Sheker Initiative under the able leadership of Mrs. Henna Whitewash, liaison to the Jewish community.

According to  the press release issued by Brooklyn District Attorney, Charles J Hynes,

The office plans to use advanced telephony technology to speed up processing of cases involving sex abuse in the Jewish community, something that the DA emphasizes as one of his top priorities in talking to  leaders of the community   reporters for major dailies.

Because Jews are pathetically unable to communicate with our workers, we introduced Kol Sheker. But in the end, Mrs. Whitewash had to spend time ferreting out the facts of the case and then contacting an askan (activist or wheeler-dealer) to facilitate culturally appropriate processing.

Under the new program, Ask An Askan (AAA), incoming phone calls to investigators will have a constitutionally approved screen for orthodox Jewish callers which will transfer them to an approved panel of askanim on 24-hour call who will process the case. Automatic voice detection technology will direct a call to the right kind of English, Yiddish, Russian, or Hebrew speaker. Litvaks and Hasidim, Sfardim and Ashkenazim, Meshichists and anti-Meshichists can be assured they will not be referred to the wrong askan.

The DA is attuned to the constitutional rights of defendants. We have a whole conviction Integrity Unit focused on shifting blame onto Detective Scarsella for the mishandling of the David Ranta case. Mr. Hynes wants to thank distinguished members of the community who have agreed to serve without pay on the AAA’s Advisory Panel On Defendant Rights:
Attorney Arthur Aidala
Noted constitutional defender Alan Dershowitz
Eternally joyous Bernard Freilich
Recently released Leib Glanz
Director  of Ohel, Mr. David Mandel
Rabbi David Zwiebel
Rackets Bureau Chief, Michael Vecchione

Based on screening by the designated askan, cases will be processed in a culturally sensitive fashion that balances the needs of the community, the alleged victim, and the alleged  defendant.

Privacy will be protected by the high ethical lashon horah standards of the Orthodox Community where victims are never outed unless they deserve it.

Lest anyone feel this is automation run amok, rest assured that Mrs. Whitewash will be available to all defendants if they have any concerns not addressed by the askan.

Mr. Hynes is pleased to report that this innovative program is also in the process of being adopted by the NYPD, the NYS Office of the Inspector General, and the Office of the Rockland County Prosecutor. Mayoral Candidate Anthony Weiner has also expressed interest.

Note-there is no email address for AAA because it would leave an evidence trail  we like to keep our interactions personal and ultra orthodox Jews aren’t comfortable with email.

Direct all press inquiries to:
Jeery Shmatehrer
(917) 770-7700.

 Tip o’ the hat to K who suggested this post.


8 thoughts on “(PARODY) D. A. Hynes Announces “Ask An Askan” to Better Serve the Jewish Community

  1. Is there a hidden meaning in the phone number …770-770…? Some soon to break additional major scandal? I say this as a Chabad something (neither “insider” nor “outsider” are the correct words).

    • Emanuel,
      The first 770 is, logically enough for the downstairs chevrah, the majority yechi messichistim, (and yellow flag???), and the second, for the upstairs guys the non yechi, the minority.. relegated to the upstairs.. . That is why the 770 needs to be repeated twice. So to be all inclusive, as Chabad likes to bill itself…
      think i got that right???.

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