Dear Lopin — A Career Advice Column for the Unlucky – Parody — Part 1

According to a recent Tweet from the Daily News courthouse reporter, Oren Yaniv, many employees of the Office of the Kings County District Attorney have been busy since primary day “refreshing” their resumes. I imagine most of them will have no trouble securing employment, either in private practice or doing consulting work. Of course, there are some who may have a bit more difficulty landing a job, at least in the legal field. So, as a public service to those who may be looking to expand their employment horizons (assuming those horizons aren’t soon narrowed by prison walls), I will be offering advice for soon-to-be former Brooklyn ADAs.

Michael Vecchione will be fired according to his friend, Oren Yaniv.  So I will start my series by offering help to him.

Mike "amnesia" Vecchione

Mike “amnesia” Vecchione

Dear Mike,

I hope you don’t mind my calling you Mike. But I feel like I know you (all too well). It is hard to transition but you must face reality instead of exacting revenge. The good news is that you are past the first stage of mourning, denial. However, you are now into the second stage, anger. Producing enemies lists will not help you land your next job. You are a handsome, well dressed, articulate man with a flair for drama and fiction, a lot of experience running and controlling things, including your bosses, and the ability to charm women. The sooner your reach the stage of acceptance, the sooner you will be able to move into the next stage of your career. There is life after KCDA.

Mike, I do want to compliment you on your first short statement for the job market. Let’s look at it.

Seeking suitable employment and enjoyment deploying my skills at persecuting, prosecuting, dramatizing, intimidating, seducing, managing bosses, escaping responsibility, exercising initiative, and selectively forgetting. Can also threaten physical violence as necessary. Full scripts of my accomplishments available from KCDA and Attorney Joel Rudin. A number of my successes are upstate but can be called down for private interviews in select hotels in Brooklyn.

Mike, I think this captures you quite nicely, but I am not sure you want to present yourself that way. It makes you seem thuggish, manipulative and dishonest. Very few bosses want to take on that sort of employee. However, there are elements of this presentation that speak to your core qualities and could lead to your future success.

Arthur Aidala

Arthur Aidala

I assume you want to stay in law. I will explore those options, but we have to be realistic about the possibility that you will lose your license because of ethics charges. However, it could take years for that to happen given the lethargic pace of legal self-policing. Of course, it could happen more quickly if the Feds move in on you, but we will be optimistic.

You might want to consider joining Arthur Aidala’s firm and become part of the Lebovits defense team–after all, you are already working for them. However, be prepared for a period of adjustment while they force you to learn the actual facts. Alternatively you could become an associate of Ben Brafman or Alan Dershowitz. We know they’ve already given you glowing references. Though they may become fickle if your side of the story doesn’t hold up in the Jabbar Collins proceedings. You could also work for Alan’s NY-based brother, Nathan. They partner and you could be employed by their joint enterprise, the Dersh Bags.

Alan Dershowitz (photo by Sage Ross) GNU License

Alan Dershowitz (photo by Sage Ross) GNU License

If you don’t want to stray too far from the courthouse, you could definitely get a gig as a court officer through Dennis Quirk— you have the build for it and your ethics would be a good match to his.

Mike, there is life after the law. Here are a few possibilities that draw on your other qualities.

Mike, you enjoy running things, being in charge. We think this quality would make you an excellent entrepreneur. You should consider opening and operating an “extended stay” hotel, with ‘round the clock security, preferably somewhere near the Brooklyn criminal courts and as far as possible from the ACLU.

You are a physical guy with some heft. You might do well as an independent contractor doing product testing for IKEA coffee tables. You could promise to produce signed affidavits confessing to any result laid out in the company’s specs.

  Three Monkeys Security Devices Ltd Manufacturers of Mike’s Brady Special

Three Monkeys Security Devices Ltd
Manufacturers of Mike’s Brady Special

You are a natural salesman. Hong Kong’s Three Monkeys Security Devices Ltd is looking for an independent spokesperson/pitchman for their new line of shredders. They might even oblige you by naming their top-of-the-line model, Mike’s Brady Special.

Mike, hopefully you can get past the anger and vengeance of this stage and move on to the next stage. You might get some consolation from reading Rabbi Kushner’s book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People. I know it doesn’t fit you perfectly, but it has helped many other people who also weren’t perfect.

You may be thinking of retiring and volunteering, perhaps donating what is left of your mind to memory researchers. They are intrigued by any possibility of amnesia recovery, selective memory, and confession ventriloquism. However, I would not go down that route. It may open you up to legal liability. Besides, your credit counselor says you cannot afford to forgo any income.

Mike, Good luck and keep us appraised of your progress. Really Mike, this advice won’t help if you go on with your enemies list. You claim it is a list of people who leaked to Thompson who will be fired before January. But it is obvious to folks at KCDA that it is really a list of people who crossed you, not Hynes. In fact it includes some real Hynes loyalists that despise me and Thompson. Dino is not going to spoil his own future to act on your petulant agenda. Mike, if you are willing to let go of the anger, as I have pointed out, you have many attractive prospects.

Disclaimer: Advice is offered without complete knowledge of advice-seeker’s legal, financial, mental health, marital, and non-marital liaisons and complications. Thus Frum Follies and its primary author, Yerachmiel Lopin, cannot warrant the quality of advice. Before making any decisions, consult as appropriate with your attorneys, financial advisors, relatives, underworld connections, and, if appropriate, probation officers.

This is an occasional series. Future installments of this series will probably address the special needs of Charles J. Hynes, Jerry Schmetterer, Henna White, Dino Amoroso, Rhonnie Jaus, Mary Hughes, Susan Quirk, and others. I welcome requests for help from any and all denizens of KCDA. Feel free to submit requests on behalf of your less fortunate co-workers.

Hat Tip: “The Malach”

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7 thoughts on “Dear Lopin — A Career Advice Column for the Unlucky – Parody — Part 1

  1. Since posting i have stumbled on some fragments of the job search materials prepared by other KCDA staff on the chopping block:

    Dino Amoroso. Former Nassau OTB head seeks job when after a winning streak was hit by a bad bet at KCDA. Can intimidate employees, defend against lawsuits, treads lightly on sensitive employees, roots out bigotry among minority staffers. Knows when to hold, when to fold and when to send them to ECAB. Can meet loyalty obligations to the Quirkiest.

    Susan Quirk: I believe in keeping things simple. Hire me and your every Quirk will be satisfied. Don’t, and think about life between an ice rink and a Zamboni.

    Rhonnie Jaus: Can handle sex crimes within any ethnic group and callibrate approach accordingly.

    Henna White: Specializing in justice and liaison. Assoc Degree in cosmetology from the Chani School of Shaytel misplacement. Can also solicit money from special populations and deliver challahs to disgruntled populatons. Hire me and I will throw in my son, husband, and Chabad.

    Mark Posner: Call me and I will order things for you by telephone. Discretion assured. I have learned about *67.

    • Yerachmiel, bravo!.bravo!
      I assume that you have read the wikipedia article on Henna. Henna black is a fine art, as is whitewashing, her career choices seem endless (bridal tattooing et al).
      And, perhaps you haven’t read the latest Yahoo finance news, but the “chani school” has been bought in one of the largest private equity buyouts, and renamed the “Mushske TM school of cosmetology”, which has been known to levitate the dead (the corpus, not the brit milah, but if so, that remains undocumented). The shaitl business, while still a core division, will be outsourced to third world practitioners. Cool Lopin, cool. Throw in Chabad, love it. BTW, per the Nefesh.org website of Orthodox mental health workers, Hennala specializes in “domestic violence”, did you know that?? And btw, Nefesh not only shows Pelcovitz, but in addition, two other namesakes of David? The site seems defunct and deficient BWDIK.
      Chag Sameach.

  2. Very entertaining. I would love to know what actually pays your bills, Mr. Lopin, as you sure do have a lot of time on your hands.

    I have no love for Vecchione but you must know that he has no such anger or regrets over leaving the office. He was an accomplished private attorney before coming back to dedicate himself to public service. He can retire tomorrow very happily. He’ll easily make more money and with less stress in the private sector. So, unfortunately, the silver lining to Hynes’ loss will be far greater for him than any consequences (especially when Collins blows over, which it will). So much for your gloating. He will have the last laugh.

    • “when Collins blows over”? Blows over? Just wait. Joel Rudin has only just begun. Maybe after the city pays out no less than 150 million will it blow over. But the disgraced legacy of the office will fester in the air forever. We are watching as they wear down (ADA) Barbara Burke. What has that woman done? The answer is they need a scapegoat. From what I hear they picked the wrong person for that. People in the office view Amoroso as a lowly thug who will cover himself at all costs. I spoke to Barbara in ECAB yesterday (YL, you se my email address and can authenticate, but keep it anonymous) and the Corp. Counsel wants no part of her. Wait until the Judge Wachtler/Hynes emails are produced showing just how much was known about the recanting witness. And why was Barry Kamins involved in emails to Burke about campaign strategies for Hynes? Isn’t he supposed to be neutral? We hear her new attorney is a nun! The president of Saint Joseph’s College! This will be fun. We also hear that Dino Amoroso is prepared to smear Barbara Burke in the press by revealing her experience as a victim of a crime in upper Manhattan when she was a nun – pretty sick stuff. And you can be sure it is authorized by Joe Hynes.

  3. aron: Being the victim of crime is not enough to smear someone; being the victim of a crime happens everyday to lots of people, the vast majority of whom are law abiding and honest. How is Burke’s experience as a crime victim made (more) salacious merely because she was in religious orders? Can’t nuns be victims of crime? Do their rosary beads protect them somehow? Maybe they can be used an nun-chucks? (Yerachmiel, I hope you can appreciate the humor.) Aron, how do you know about Burke’s crime victim status? Is it a public record? Did she tell you? Did she tell you in confidence, which would mean that you violated this condidentiality when you revealed the news here. (If so, that’s a pretty sick move just to make your point in a blog). If you learned about her victim status from her or from other sources, then it’s not secret and how can that information be used as part of a “smear” campaign? Clearly I’m a curious, perhaps you will enlighten me. As to Burke’s personal attorney being a nun, I suppose it’s amusing to some people to think of a nun (in full traditional regalia) in court as a attorney, but nuns are permitted to take any number of professions depending on their religious order’s mission and with permission from their superior. Again, not really news that a nun is an attorney. But where did you get the information about these alleged emails? I would be interested in knowing that.

    • You are making assumptions about the level of consent of this writer to share stuff from Barbara Burke.

      Your mocking tone about nuns, ex-nuns, etc. is uncalled for. That is the matrix for Barbara Burke. I am guessing a nun who functions as an attorney can handle court appearances whether in the contemporary clothing common to many nuns these days or in habi

      As for the truth of the allegations about the emails and other communications, time will tell. If they are true they are consequential. If not, then this was a false allegation. I am inclined to believe they are true and I have a pretty good record at revealing other facts ahead of the usual outlets especially about the Office of the Kings County District Attorney where I am required informal reading matter, since the official sources are not trusted. That is why I am blocked by the DA’s filters and why I people nevertheless read me.

      Alas, I still have not cured my readers of referring to me as Mr. Frum when my nom de plume is Yerachmiel Lopin.

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