This is a repost of the very first Frum Follies post, erev sukkot, four years ago. It is satire saturated with Yeshivish frum-speak, which is why I named my new blog, Frum Follies. I apologize to secular readers because many of the allusions will be lost on you. But the flavor of the piece depends on the language, and fully translating and explaining every allusion would be a ton of work, a virtual dissertation on ultra orthodox culture, and the various cases of sex abuse, well known in the community.
The problems of znus (sexual misconduct) and pritzus (immodesty) in our hefker (anarchic) society threaten the very life of our holy community. Rabbossai, chatani, we have sinned. Yes, even to the point where we have allowed foxes into the sanctuary, and znus into some of our mosdos (organizations of )torah. It is hard to keep out all those who fool us b’chadrei chareidim (behind closed doors), break the mitzvos (religious commandments) and are mizalzel (taint) themselves with the Internet.
Some young men even ridicule torah lishmah. We know that in every age there were yiden who were not osek in talmud torah but they gave kovvod to their talmidei chachamim. Never before have we been zocheh to have so many who have learned for so long. Alas some of those very talmidim are saying that after they have a few children it is OK to devote themselves to parnassah and settle for learning on weekends, vacations, and a few hours on workdays. Torah cannot just be a hobby. Some of these yinger leit have the chutzpah to misrepresent the posuk, sheshes yomim taaseh melocheh. The posuk is only a heter bidieved, if the father-in- law dies, the kollel goes bankrupt, the government claim is denied, the IRS is on your case, your house mortgage is under water, and the wife can’t work. If torah is not respected, anarchy grows and tzoris befalls the Jewish people.
I came here today to talk tachlis about a fact that we must face. Our sonim lose no opportunity to say, chas v’chalileh, that certain rabeim are touching certain places. First of all it isn’t mamesh as bad as people think. Ashreinu, we praise and give thanks that those raised in torah keep their clothing on when they sin. Secondly, may of these accusations have never been proven. We will do our best to keep it that way. Thirdly, many of those making the accusations must be distrusted because they are really just fishing for heterim to commit the grave sin of mesirah (snitching).
So great is the chet of mesirah (informing) that it endangers a person himself, his children, and his children’s children. When it says in the torah that a punishment is passed down it means that you won’t find shidduchim (marriage partners). L’halochoh, an ordinary yid can give up his own honor but no one has the right to affect the shidduchim of his eynekloch. Moreover a talmid chochum cannot even give up his own kovod. That is why an accused talmid chochum is not allowed to take the easy way, plead guilty and remove himself from being osek bitinokos shel beis rabbon, perhaps even osek too much. You should know that R. Yehudah got a special heter, and has undertaken the difficult burden of pleading guilty to prevent goyim from exploiting his trial.
Our sonim (enemies) look for chances to make Yiddishkeit (Judaism) look bad. If a goy (gentile) does something they claim he is a Jew. If a Jew does something they claim he is an orthodox Jew. If an orthodox Jew does something they claim he is an ultra orthodox Jew. When a Jew with a beard and tzitzis (ritual fringes) does something they claim he is an ultra orthodox rabbi. Actually, most of those of those accused are goyim, Conservative and Reform Jews, bar mitzvah tutors, cheder teachers, hashgachah (kosher supervision) employees, mental health counselors, or camp and day care operators. They only call themselves Rabbi for the clergy discount. Ignoring reality, the anti Semites run headlines about the arrest of an “ultra orthodox rabbi.”
May of these problems are created by mosrim (snitches) who went off the derech. We have rachmonis on them because they are mentally ill. When someone is mentally ill we don’t accept them as eidim in a besdin; if American courts had seichel they would also reject such testimony. We do these unfortunates a great favor in declaring them mentally ill. We spare them shame by not calling them intentional liars. Unfortunately some of those who are moser or advocating mesirah have clearly demonstrated their apikorsus befarhesyah by the ways in which they are mevazer talmidei chachomim.
Sadly, the poison of such chutzpah has even spread to some who are part of our kehilot kedoshim. Hakol, kol Yaacov, v’hayadaim yedei Eisav (the voice, is the voice of Jacob and the hands are the hands of Esau). Among us they speak the toras Yaacov about tznius, tzedakah, mishpat, emes, and caring about klal yisroel. Their hands, their hands type with the sinah of Eisav. They strike at yidn in ways that cost them parnassah, the honor of their families and the prospects of their children and grandchildren. Moreover they are choteh umachti, they sin and make others sin. They encourage other yidn to repeat their lies. These cowards hide behind Internet firewalls. If they had any faith in the truth of what they say they would come out into daylight and let us tear them apart, piece by piece.
We owe a great yasher koach to those at the Agudah who go forth in milchemes hashem and expose themselves to the 49th madreigah of tummah. They fearlessly read treyfah blogs to fight this shmutz. On these blogs they uphold the honor of torah by refuting these false accusers by letting them know the real facts about these terrible accusers. They are like the great talmidei chochomim of the past who went into public disputes against our accusers. The Church would say that our gemarrah insulted them and their getchka (idol). The galochim (priests) did not know gemarrah (Talmud). They relied on meshumaddim (apostates) who were amaratzim (ignoramuses). Our rabbonim always won the debates but the galochim understood nothing and then gemorros were burnt, rachmonah utzlun. The ones attacking us on the Internet are the spiritual descendents of our old betrayers. If they have their way, great mosdos of gemarrah will be destroyed. We engage them in disputes now as we did then and we win. Alas our prosecutors have made up their mind to hurt us because they envy our pure families and loving community. Because they want to hurt us they believe every single betraying meshumad.
Still we must be honest with ourselves. There is more we can do to protect the reputation of torah true Jews. It is better to be machmir and prevent things that can create the appearance of a chillul hashem. The Moetzes Gadolim is establishing a new hashgachah, the hashgachah haguf, so you can stop worrying about sending your children to yeshiva. We are establishing takkonos about cameras in classrooms, windows on doors, and dinei yichud. For those who have a heter to use the Internet for parnassah we are developing filters to block out certain websites such as Unorthodox Jew, Failed Messiah, FrumFollies , The Awareness Center and Stop Sex Abuse in our Yeshivas. Their names give you an idea of the disturbing hate and poison they distribute.
It is fitting that this should be announced on sukkos since the dinim of schach make it possible for cameras above to see below. This l’havdil is just like hakodosh borchu who sees into the hearts of those committing aveiros and knows whether they have finally exhausted their yetzer harah. But on earth we rely on our gedolim who have daas torah. They can be relied on to determine whether someone will sin again. When we know they will not sin again, no purpose is served by having them mistreated in a goyish court.
Just as the Sanhedrin had the power to execute but almost never did, those with daas torah have the power to matir mesirah (permit informing on repeat molesters) because of din rodef (the rule allowing one to kill someone who is trying to kill you). Though we can allow informing we usually paskin to not do it. Our chazal tell us that a besdin that allows one mesirah in seventy years is a liberal ACLU besdin. Ours is not a tekufah for heterim. Chas vichalilah it should not be assumed that just as Pinchas instantly killed one committing znus we too should immediately attack those accused of znus. In that case it involved Zimri who showed no shame and did it in public. In our cases it does not happen befarhesyah so we know there is shame. In our times midas Pinchas is shown by being kanoim and being machmir to avoid even a word of mesirah. Kol hamarbeh l’saper issurim b’inyanei mesirah, haray zeh meshubach. But this does not mean that we are not determined to avoid even the last hint of a possibility of znus in our yeshivas. Nothing is more precious to us than our children.
Many rabbonim have with great mesiras nefesh offered to do the work of this new hashgachah haguf. This will of course require paid mashgichim. The Moetzes Gedolim has insisted that parents will not have to pay more tuition.
Amar Rabbi Akiva, mi methaher eschem. Rebbe Akiva says, who will purify us? Our father in heaven purifies us. We are metaher with a mikvah for taharas hamispocheh. The kedushas haguf of our kinder it taluy with taharas hamispocheh and tevilah. So we can have holy pure children we will fund the hechsher haguf with monies derived from the use of our mikvaim.
We do not want, chas vicholileh, to create a financial hardship that would lessen the use of mikvah. A contribution will not be required. Instead, all the mikvah ladies in the kehilla have agreed to pass along a percent of what veiber give them. We do not want anyone to say that we charge people to keep children safe as if it is some gangster protection charge. Instead we will encourage all of the kehilla to start giving a tip or to increase your tip when using the mikvah. To make it absolutely clear that this is not in any way a “protection” charge we will be using English signs that say DipTip.
In Williamsburg it has been accepted as a takkaneh to also give a donation when buying cigarettes and it will be known as the Reichman tzedakah. At Mir extra donations will be for the tzedakah of midos R Yishmael, Chal V’Kolmer. Near Torah Temimah the grocery stores will make a contribution whenever they sell a box of Kolko Puffs. The mohel Pesach Krohn is constructing an office building for the hashgachas haguf that you can support by buying one or more Bryks. In Ger, DipTip will be obligatory and twice as high as a reminder not to be self indulgent.
Rabbi Avrohom Mondorowitz has kindly offered to handle Ger funds. He is thanked for his offer and respected for the fact that he has never been convicted. However, others instead will handle the funds since he may have to do yeridah from eretz yisroel to the NYC prisons. If that happens, we will notify you for pidyon shvuyim. The prisons are dangerous for yidn. It is no longer possible to arrange a sudas mitzvah because of mesirah by goyyim who are soneh yisroel and resent cleaning up after them.
The meshuganah, Nochum Rosenberg of Williamsburg has been speaking lashon horah that R. Mondrowitz did mishkav zochor with children without saying please and thank you. Then he says “if it should happen to him in prison it is “midah kaneged midah.” This is not correct. For the kinderlich it was with yid and a Rebbe. For Avrohom Mondrowitz it would be with echt goyim whose ikar is tummah, kal v’chomer for those in jail who even ordinary goyim think are tummah like shvartzes, Muslims, atheists, drug dealers, and sex offenders.
Rabbossai, Pidyon Shvuyim is a great mitzvah, but it is even better if we can prevent any yidn from being in such a matzav. We can prevent it through the hashgachah haguf, through the DipTip, and by seeking and accepting the guidance of gedolim on how to protect ourselves from the great sin of mesirah. B’zchus our mitzvas of shmiras haloshon, avoiding mesirah and supporting the hashgachah haguf with the DipTip may we be zocheh an end to this magefeh of arrests.
NOTE: This is of course satire which tells the truth. The see their literal position which is laced with deception, see: Agudah on Pedophilia: Too Little, Too Late!