Parody/Satire: OU Announces Hasgochah on Cattle Prods and Duct Tape

News special to The Jewish Depress

duct tapeOU Kosher proudly announces the certification of cattle prods and duct tape for use in rabbinically authorized divorce proceedings. Our Senior Posek, Hagaon Rav Yisroel Belsky has determined, based on his long experience, that these items have no unkosher ingredients and leave no residue or marks. His experience in these matters dates back to his long history of working closely with Prodfather Rabbi Mendel Epstein on one of many cases where agunot were freed from their recalcitrant husbands.

cattle prodThe OU does not recommend any specific divorce procedure and advises all individuals with marital disputes to first seek sholom bayis mediation and to consult with their qualified local orthodox rabbi. However, we trust Rabbi Belsky in his confident assertion that the ingredients are completely kosher.

Rabbi Yisroel Belsky

Rabbi Yisroel Belsky

It should also be clear that Rabbi Belsky is not a spokesman for the OU on things other than kashruth. His position defending convicted molester Yosef Kolko and intimidating the family of the victim who testified is not the position of the OU. Nor does Rabbi Belsky represent the OU in some of his positions on Divorce. Thus the public repudiation of one his rulings by Rabbi Ovadiah Yosef also has no bearing on Rabbi Belsky’s continued rule as OU  Kosher Senior Posek.

Prodfather Mendel EpsteinRabbi Belsky usually works closely with Rabbi Epstein and also includes Rabbi Ephraim Bryks on some of  his battei din. Please be advised that Rabbi Bryks is not a member of the Rabbinical Council of America, our rabbinic arm, but they will not publicly state their reasons for encouraging him to resign.  He is also no longer a member of the Queens Vaad.

Inquiries about Rabbi Epstein should be directed to the US Attorney and the FBI.


13 thoughts on “Parody/Satire: OU Announces Hasgochah on Cattle Prods and Duct Tape

  1. did r belsky receive 10000 every time he endorsed the usage of cattle prods and other methods of persuasion?

      • Are they machmir (strict) on utilizing separate pesadik (for use during passover) and chametz (rest of the year) cattle prods? Are they reused between “patients”? If so, are they kashered and sterilized prior to each use? Do the prods become tainted (treif) if used on a baal mum (e.g. subject with only one testicle?”

  2. I believe you mean “sholom bayis mediation,” not “meditation.” Not to say that meditation might not be helpful ….

  3. Yes, they even have parve beef flavored version. Under Haredi influence, even though parve they advise waiting six hours before dairy or until you stop spitting blood and shouting curses on the culprits.

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