The Other New Book by Allan Dershowitz: More Chutzpah

Alan Dershowitz has a new book out in print and as a Kindle Edition on Amazon.com, Taking the Stand: My Life in the Law. It is really about his favorite topic, Alan Dershowitz.

Meanwhile, I have my own satirical version of satire about his other new book, which I posted on 12/13/12. For those of you who missed it, it is below.

Alan Dershowitz Announces a Sequel to
His Best-Seller, “Chutzpah” (Satire/Parody)

Alan Dershowitz (photo by Sage Ross) GNU License

Alan Dershowitz (photo by Sage Ross) GNU License

Alan Dershowitz has signed a contract for a sequel to his best-selling book, Chutzpah,  for a two million dollar  advance. In his first book, Chutzpah, published in 1992, he argued that “U.S. Jewry should shed its second-class citizenship syndrome and show a little chutzpah in defining its relationship with gentile, Christian America.” His new book is tentatively titled, Much More Chutzpah: How Satmar Hasidim Do It. He intends to show how Satmar has mastered the art of sticking it to gentiles and Jews alike.

In an interview with this reporter from Publishers Weekly, Dershowitz said,

These guys are fearless. The whole world is condemning them from the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal to the New York Jewish Week, the Jewish Press, and the orthodox Rabbinical Council of America. They don’t give a damn. Hasidim have fire in their bellies and rocks in their hands.

Nechemya Weberman in Kings County Supreme Court on 3-25-11 (photo credit Joseph Diangello)

Nechemya Weberman in Kings County Supreme Court on 3-25-11 (photo credit Joseph Diangello)

Move over Meir Kahane. These guys make him look like a pussy. In the outside world Jews politely debate Israel policy. In Williamsburg I almost got lynched when I forgot to remove the Israeli flag from my lapel. But then  my good friends David Niederman and Moshe Friedman announced “He’s a Zionist mamzer but he’s Satmar’s mamzer; he is going to defend our molester, Nechemya and protect our real estate from victim lawsuits.” Then I was treated to some real Satmar chesed (kindness).

They cheered me and invited me to see how they handled snitches. “As an officer of the court,” I explained, “I have to be able to say truthfully, I was not involved in witness intimidation, harassment, bribery, assault and battery.” They all laughed heartily. It is hard for me to describe, but it is the hasidic version of wink, wink, nod, nod. But with much more gusto.

I am sick and tired of defending guys who complain about media bias and undermine their claim by guilty expressions.  These guys have their paranoia stoked to boiling point so they can say it with conviction. The Litvak pussies in Lakewood privately fund raised for their pervert, Yossi Kolko. His uncle Yiddie Kolko took a plea deal. It was a great deal. No jail time, no sex offender registry listing. But still, it opened up his employer, Torah Temimah, to ongoing lawsuits. These guys go for broke, fighting every last case. They didn’t care how it looked when they held a public fundraiser for Nechemya Weberman. They know their business. The event whipped everyone into line in Williamsburg. They have real solidarity, like the Penn State football team. Like linebackers, they take their lumps and go to jail without snitching. You won’t find any Dweck dreck (feces) in Satmar.

Their PR flack, Yossi Gestetner is a Hasidic Rush Limbaugh but better. Taller, thinner, and with better hearing. Sure his English stinks. But this guy can segue from lie to lie like basketball champs passing a ball. He can fake, and switch topics, feint indignation, and then return and confuse folks with an unexpected trivial truth. He makes that truth seem important.  Man, if he were literate in English I might be able to turn him into a prize, pervert-defending, trial lawyer.

I am sick and tired of anemic, liberal, Jewish intellectuals who think they are real Jews because they are cerebral and thoughtful. Satmar is the real thing. I am not talking about the schmendriks who sit and learn all day. When I think of real Jews, I think of the Purple Gang in Detroit that even made Al Capone deal with them for booze during Prohibition. I think of Murder Incorporated, a bunch of Jewish shtarkers from Brownsville that were the best contract murderers in the business. Satmar hasidim have all their qualities plus hot Hungarian blood stoked by paprika and fire in their bellies from the after-burn of Meal Mart kosher take-out. Ben Gurion used to say that Golda Meir was the only one in his cabinet with beitzim (eggs). These guys have Chazon Ish sized eggs. For you goyim, that means, jumbo-sized rocks.

Publisher’s Weekly recorded Alan Dershowitz making these comments during an interview last night. In spite of  his claims to the contrary, they were not edited and he forgot to say that this interview was off the record. Our attorney, Byron Bratcher stands ready to defend the propriety of publishing this interview. He said many other things but it was the usual boring stuff about defendant rights, antisemitism, constitutional issues, and how he is the best appellate attorney in America. We plan to also post those segments of the interview on our website, but we don’t expect much traffic.

While most of his legal colleagues are disgusted by his antics, a few of them believe he is laying the groundwork for a court ruling that Satmar are so despised that they cannot get a fair trial anywhere in the U. S.

In spite of his vigorous denials and claims that we are defaming him we are not sure he really cares. Inside sources at his publisher tell us that pre-publication sales have jumped to unprecedented levels for a non-fiction book by a lawyer.

According to one reliable unnamed publishing industry insider, Dershowitz is branching out into other genres. His agent, Sam Salacious, is circulating a prospectus for a book tentatively titled, Fifty Shades of Black and White: Hasidism That Hurts.

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5 thoughts on “The Other New Book by Allan Dershowitz: More Chutzpah

  1. In America, criminal defendants have the Constitutional right to the best representation money can buy (at least if the money isn’t in the form of cash or property seized as evidence or forfeited under RICO). Criminal defense lawyers also have the Constitutional right to advertise, and we all have the Constitutional right (absent fraud ) to preen before the public.

    To what extent exercise of these rights may be consistent with Jewish values is another question, but I’m not Mr. Dershowitz’s rav (nor, probably, is anyone else), so that is his business– except for one little thing: If a lawyer who seeks to make himself the best-known, most flamboyant legal advocate for Jewish moral monsters, a category in which the evidence accepted by judge and jury places Nechemiah Weberman, also seeks to make himself the best-known, most flamboyant moral advocate for the State of Israel, I think we have a problem.

  2. Cute piece.

    I know the “defender of constitutional rights” shamefully joined Lebowits’s team, but did he also join in on the Weberman fiasco?! Did I miss something?

    Or is that the parody part? The rest of your piece unfortunately, might very well be true….

    • Alan did drop in to watch the Weberman trial. Supposedly he was willing to defend Weberman.However, this is all moot because Weberman has not been able to raise the funds for an appeal. One rumor has it that Alan Dershowitz even offered him a good price (though i would assume it was still a lot after the discount). The bottom line is that Satmar for all their public bravado is convinced that Weberman is guilty and funding his appeal will compound the PR disaster of the trial. So Weberman will probably never have the money for a high powered appeal and will probably die in jail, unless he lives to be about 100 years old AND gets full time off for good behavior.

      • I stand corrected, and apologize for mistakenly asserting that Mr. Dershowitz was defending Nechemiah Weberman.

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