Stalking the Stocking: The Lakewood Lingerie Law (SATIRE)

Stockings old ladyI first posted Stalking the Stocking four years ago (11/3/2009). But some things don’t change. Lakewood is still obsessing about stockings and ignoring or covering up for those who sexually assault children.

A while ago Frum Satire announced the establishment of the CRI, the Chumrah Research Institute. While they have not announced any graduations, their alumni are hard at work. Lakewood was the beneficiary of one of their obvious talents. Working in conjunction with the leaders of Beis Medrish Gavohah of Lakewood, the institution founded by Aaron Kotler zatzal, their efforts  have culminated in a great advance in torah standards for our wanton generation.

The leadership of Lakewood has long been grappling with the problem of pritzus (wantoness). This is part of Rabbi Salomon’s  holy work of sweeping molesting under the carpet, which has been misrepresented by those who prefer sinning by going to the police. In fact he meant that he uses private methods to deal with the problem. But his great understanding led him to recognize the relationship between molesting and internet usage. Armed with this insight Lakewood banned internet usage in the aftermath of a tragic death of a young man molested in Lakewood, whose final thoughts were broadcast on the internet.

Stockings and black shoesHowever, the yetzer harah (evil inclination) which fled from Lakewood when faced by the determination of its Torah giants has stealthily returned, hiding under the skirts of women who unknowingly spread this plague on our community. Accordingly a pashkavil (handbill) was recently posted around Lakewood and Brooklyn with further guidance to protect the Lakewood community. Our good friend Shmarya Rosenberg at Failed Messiah has secured us a copy of this handbill. FrumFollies is pleased to share this advance in torah guidance with our readers.

Jewish Daughters!
Have mercy upon yourselves and upon your children:
Do not put on stockings that look like your legs!!

Stockings whose color closely resembles the skin should not be worn. It is almost impossible to find a denier less than 30 to be permissable. The color NUDE, even 60 denier is not permissable. The colors NATURAL and HONEY in 40 denier are not permissable. Other questionable colors must be approved by a Posek.

This author respects the skills of the 6 great ones who signed the ban. Obviously, a nude natural honey is going to undermine morals. But denier (as distinct from derriere), that they never taught me in yeshiva. After I could not find the stuff in seforim, I looked it up on the internet, which they did not have since they banned it a few years ago. The denier number refers to the thickness of the yarn. Run of the mill sheer stuff which you get in your local store, unless you are in Lakewood ranges from 10-15. Tights start at 40. Since some colors are banned at 60, forget about lusting after the skin on the legs. If you are still in to leg shapes, you are good for the moment. But don’t underestimate those rabbis. Do your glancing now before they figure out how to ban shapes.

Stockings 1Informed insiders conceded that this was an attempt to compensate for the weaknesses of females in our generation who did not adhere to previous guidance to stop provoking men by swinging their arms excessively. (This is real, not satire)

Others say this is an attempt to solve the shidduch  (matchmaking) crisis (of not enough men) by reducing the inclinations of young men to snatch up the youngest girls because of superficial criteria of attractiveness. However, I Yerachmiel, have documented their actual solution to the shidduch crisis. Others have pointed out that this won’t work unless they also mandate thick gauge nylon over faces. The astute ones point out, that it will take very thick gauge to conceal the color of green in dowries.

Let the critics say what they will, Lakewood, the Holy City of Torah will rise to new levels, once these improved standards of modesty take hold.

Of course the Lakewood rabbis might fail. If so, I will return with the latest ban.

PS. The ban was also posted and discussed on Natan Slifkin’s site, Rationalist Judaism


6 thoughts on “Stalking the Stocking: The Lakewood Lingerie Law (SATIRE)

  1. I’m getting a vision of Silence of the Lambs where women will be masked and straight jacketed from head to toe, strapped to wheeled dollies – steered by their husbands, fathers, or brothers – to avoid moving parts.

    I am curious to hear, from a man’s perspective, why this issue bothers you? Don’t get me wrong, I am happy that there are men out there who find these restrictions troubling, and advocate to loosen the leash of these chumras.

    However, since you are not subject to the the rules of “hyper-tzniusity,” why is it a hot button issue for you or any other man who can happily go through life wearing pants, exposing your knees and elbows, and swinging your arms proudly?

    • I was never aware that I was “proudly swinging my arms.”

      But you ask a serious question, why is this a man’s concern. I am terrified by the tznius obsession because it lays on women’s conduct the question of men’s sexual misbehavior. There is a vicious cycle destroying healthy normal interaction between the sexes. Never have tznius standards been higher and yet rabbonim keep insisting that laxity is a problem. A mother tells me her 5 year old son came home to announce, “My rebbi says I should not look at women, so I can’t look at you anymore, mommy.” There is a pathology that is destroying any normal understanding of women and men being allowed to interact.

      Gone are days I remembered where chasidish relatives were over for shabbos meals along with other guests and men and women talked to each other. Men and women will always see the world somewhat differently, even in societies where there are no official rules which differentiate between men and women. How can such a society have the sexes understand each other if they cant even talk or look. That is where things are headed and I see it creating problems and likely to create more.

    • Sharon, it should be obvious that you are not going to get an answer from male readers of this blog. I very much doubt that those who think that female immodesty/exposure among Orthodox Jews is the number-one problem, or even the number twenty-three problem, facing Jews and Judaism today visit this blog. If you really want an answer, ask the question (while posing as a man, of course) on a blog catering to those holding such beliefs. But when you get an answer, what are you going to do with it besides bang your head on your keyboard?

      In my insufficiently humble opinion, the name “Modern Orthodoxy” was a mistake, because it allowed its opponents to dismiss it by saying, “well, we aren’t ‘modern,’ ” i.e., “we aren’t accommodating assimilationists.” “Modern” has lost its luster lately, and the belated attempt to rebrand MO as “Centrist Orthodoxy” never caught on. Those who call themselves MO should have stuck with the slogan/designation associated with R’ S.R. Hirsch: “Torah im derekh eretz.” The phrase has impeccable yichus, and “derekh eretz” is broad enough to include “dealing with reality,” or even “common sense.” Orthodoxy will keep “sliding to the right” until a leader with the energy, eloquence and erudition of R’ Hirsch arises to tell the leaders of Orthodoxy what R’ Hirsch told the (Reform) leaders of German Jewry in his day — “This isn’t Torah, and we aren’t going there!” [Rant off]

        • I’m not following you — or you’re not following me. Of course, men who are religiously deeply concerned with the prevention of forbidden sexual thoughts, i.e., who are “on the right end of the continuum on questions of tznius,” would be expected to be horrified by forbidden sexual acts perpetrated against children. (As always, hypocrisy is an exception to logical consistency, so we are shocked that child-rapist Weberman was, IIRC, active in the “Vaad ha-tznius.” )

          So I don’t disagree that such men are often strong opponents of child sexual abuse, but the point I understood you were making was that an unrealistic, obsessive culture of lust-avoidance and sexual separation is likely to have unintended negative side effects. You pointed to a lack of understanding of sexual differences, and “a pathology that is destroying any normal understanding of women and men being allowed to interact.” To that should be added what many have already said, that lust, natural and unnatural, does not and will not disappear, so treating child sexual abuse as unspeakable only makes it unreported, not non-existent.

          I was advocating a “Torah with common sense” that accepts that sexual differences exist, that male and female are created complementary, and that sexual beauty, attraction and love are parts of God’s world that are both enriching and potentially destructive of individuals and society. Consequently, our attitudes and behavior need to be governed by our understanding, via the Torah and the traditional wisdom of halakhah, of what God intends humans to be, and God’s purpose and intention in setting Israel apart as a goy kadosh. Tzenius certainly has its place, but as part of the dialectic between our understanding of the world as it is, as God’s creation, and our place in that world as both created and commanded. Guided by common sense and an appreciation of the world as it is, we should resist the temptation to force ordinary Jews to be tzaddikim, lifnei mesurat ha-din, as that hubris (forgive the Hellenism bazman hazeh) will not be kindly regarded by HKB”H if they fail, as they likely will.

  2. and what about Solomon covering for dovid Weinberger from Lawrence ny who was just fired from his job were Solomon used to send all his cases to him and lo and behold he was fooling around and I hear he is moving now to erets yisroel.

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