I first posted Stalking the Stocking four years ago (11/3/2009). But some things don’t change. Lakewood is still obsessing about stockings and ignoring or covering up for those who sexually assault children.
A while ago Frum Satire announced the establishment of the CRI, the Chumrah Research Institute. While they have not announced any graduations, their alumni are hard at work. Lakewood was the beneficiary of one of their obvious talents. Working in conjunction with the leaders of Beis Medrish Gavohah of Lakewood, the institution founded by Aaron Kotler zatzal, their efforts have culminated in a great advance in torah standards for our wanton generation.
The leadership of Lakewood has long been grappling with the problem of pritzus (wantoness). This is part of Rabbi Salomon’s holy work of sweeping molesting under the carpet, which has been misrepresented by those who prefer sinning by going to the police. In fact he meant that he uses private methods to deal with the problem. But his great understanding led him to recognize the relationship between molesting and internet usage. Armed with this insight Lakewood banned internet usage in the aftermath of a tragic death of a young man molested in Lakewood, whose final thoughts were broadcast on the internet.
However, the yetzer harah (evil inclination) which fled from Lakewood when faced by the determination of its Torah giants has stealthily returned, hiding under the skirts of women who unknowingly spread this plague on our community. Accordingly a pashkavil (handbill) was recently posted around Lakewood and Brooklyn with further guidance to protect the Lakewood community. Our good friend Shmarya Rosenberg at Failed Messiah has secured us a copy of this handbill. FrumFollies is pleased to share this advance in torah guidance with our readers.
Have mercy upon yourselves and upon your children:
Do not put on stockings that look like your legs!!
Stockings whose color closely resembles the skin should not be worn. It is almost impossible to find a denier less than 30 to be permissable. The color NUDE, even 60 denier is not permissable. The colors NATURAL and HONEY in 40 denier are not permissable. Other questionable colors must be approved by a Posek.
This author respects the skills of the 6 great ones who signed the ban. Obviously, a nude natural honey is going to undermine morals. But denier (as distinct from derriere), that they never taught me in yeshiva. After I could not find the stuff in seforim, I looked it up on the internet, which they did not have since they banned it a few years ago. The denier number refers to the thickness of the yarn. Run of the mill sheer stuff which you get in your local store, unless you are in Lakewood ranges from 10-15. Tights start at 40. Since some colors are banned at 60, forget about lusting after the skin on the legs. If you are still in to leg shapes, you are good for the moment. But don’t underestimate those rabbis. Do your glancing now before they figure out how to ban shapes.
Informed insiders conceded that this was an attempt to compensate for the weaknesses of females in our generation who did not adhere to previous guidance to stop provoking men by swinging their arms excessively. (This is real, not satire)
Others say this is an attempt to solve the shidduch (matchmaking) crisis (of not enough men) by reducing the inclinations of young men to snatch up the youngest girls because of superficial criteria of attractiveness. However, I Yerachmiel, have documented their actual solution to the shidduch crisis. Others have pointed out that this won’t work unless they also mandate thick gauge nylon over faces. The astute ones point out, that it will take very thick gauge to conceal the color of green in dowries.
Let the critics say what they will, Lakewood, the Holy City of Torah will rise to new levels, once these improved standards of modesty take hold.
Of course the Lakewood rabbis might fail. If so, I will return with the latest ban.
PS. The ban was also posted and discussed on Natan Slifkin’s site, Rationalist Judaism