This satirical post first appeared on Frum Follies in 2012. Just this week, two more infants were hospitalized for Herpes caused by MBP. Agudath Israel of America goes on defending MBP, knowing fully well that it is dangerous and thus banned by many ultra orthodox rabbis. This absurdity earned them the mocking satire that follows. — Yerachmiel Lopin
Nothing is more important than the safety of our children and protecting bris milah from government interference. Consult your posek on the best method of milah. Some say you may not do metzitzah b’peh (MBP) because it is dangerous. Others say you have to do MBP. But all of them agree the government has no business saying MBP is risky. If the NYC Health Department passes the evil gazeirah requiring you to sign a consent form saying MBP is risky, you must refuse. That is because everyone agrees that the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has no business agreeing with those of our gedolim who say MBP is risky.
If your son’s makom milah is infected in the first weeks after the bris, immediately go to the ER of the best university affiliated hospital in your area and demand a specialist to treat your case. Insist that they do all possible tests unless it will be used to identify the mohel. If it is a matter of pikuach nefesh do not hesitate to call, drive, carry, or handle money on shabbos. However, rest assured that the infection could not have been caused by the mohel because Rabbi Yisroel Belsky shlita and Dr. Yuchid Inzermaven say they are not convinced by the CDC. Who are you going to believe: bnai torah and talmidei chachomim or Reform and Conservative Jews who gave up their olam habah just so they could work at the CDC and get Nobel Prizes in Medicine?
Remember, you can trust your mohel. But forget his name. Do not cooperate with their antisemitic Fischering expeditions. If pressed by investigators just say all black hats look the same and contact the Agudas Yisroel legal defense fund at (212) 888-8888. You will be assigned the first available attorney who is not tied up defending another yid against a bilbul. Remember if you cooperate with investigators, you could destroy the shidduchim of your precious children and people might say loshon horah about you being the source of the herpes.
This public service announcement is sponsored by Merck Pharmaceuticals (“We cure Herpes”) and Kedem (the preferred wine of 9 out of 10 mohelim). We also thank the righteous gentiles of the Archdiocese who work with us to protect religious freedom and the safety of our children.