Satirical Guest post by Asher Lovy
Vaad HaRabbonim Igud B’nei Torah B’America
5774 Shidduch Crisis Boulevard
Brooklyn, New York 61326
To my esteemed brothers and sisters in the kehilla,
Please bear with this letter, as it is a work in progress, and we just found a rishon somewhere that we’ve never heard of before that said that it’s assur to edit a letter written by a rav to his kehilla because, like blowing out a candle, it can have disastrous effects on neshamos in oilam habah.
Rabboisai, we’ve found the cause of OTD. It’s Facebook. No, you know what? No. I know what makes people go OTD. It’s twitter. Scratch that, it’s blogging. You know what? No. It’s actually the entire internet. Come to think of it, it’s not the internet, it’s cellphones. After much careful consideration, I’ve come to realize it’s not cellphones. What makes people go OTD are frum magazines that aren’t frum enough. Rabboisai, it’s shreklach! It’s mamash a crisis! We have bachurim and meidelach going off the derech in droves, and we need to stop it! I have the solution! The problem is tznius. Let’s send home rulers and muzzles to make sure that our girls stay tznius and quiet in public. We wouldn’t want our teiyere bachurim chas v’shamlom seeing something not tzanua, having certain tumedikeh hirhurim, inflaming their taivos, and causing them to leave yiddishkeit in pursuit of those taivos.
In the interest of maintaining kedusha, rabboisai, we must impose strict measures to ensure that these rules are kept. I know it’s drastic, but es laasos lahashem! This is mamash a sha’as shmad, and if we stand by and do nothing, our yiddishe kinder will drift away from hakadosh Baruch Hu and His Torah. From now on, there will be cars driving around the yiddishe neighbourhood with WiFi sniffers making sure that there aren’t, chas v’shalom, any houses with internet, rachmana litzlan, loi aleinu. We will also be requiring that parents who would like to send their children to our yeshivos allow us to inspect their cellphones to make sure that no shmutz can find its way into the home and corrupt the tinoikos shel beis rabban. They’re very easily influenced at a young age, and certainly when they become teenagers and develop certain taivos, and urges. We know this will inconvenience many of the members of the community, but we feel there is no choice anymore. Yiddishkeit cannot survive as it exists right now.
For our chashuve meidelach, we will be requiring a stricter dress code. Kol k’vodah bas melech p’nimah is something we take very seriously. It’s brought down that when yiddisher meidelach don’t dress in a tzniusdike fashion, terrible gezeiros and machalos are brought down on this world from shamayim. More gezeiros than can be erased by a single y’hei sh’mei rabbah, apparently. (We don’t make the rules; we just read the spiritual currency exchange rates every morning, and today it seems an exposed knee has surpassed the power of an amen on the tumah/tahara exchange.) In the interest of preventing cancer, earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, wars in Eretz Yisrael, and intermarriage, girls will now be required not only to wear skirts which reach 4 inches below their knees sitting, but we will be installing cameras in your homes to make sure that no woman walks out of her bedroom without socks on her feet. Chas v’shalom, if someone saw a pinky toe through an open window, the taiva…we must be mindful of the nisyoinos of our chashuvah bachurim and yungerleit.
We also have to endeavor to be more mindful of hilchos yichud, rabboisai Chas v’shalom, if a boy and girl are meyached it can lead to hotza’as zerah l’vatalah, or even biah, rachmana litzlan. Therefore, if you’re going to have boys over to your house for a Shabbos meal, please make sure to have your wife and daughters eat in a different room, if not a different house. Having boys and girls at the same Shabbos table can lead to them becoming friends, which could lead to them hanging out, which could lead to yichud, and violations of the issurim of negiah, chas v’shalom. Boys and girls are only allowed to talk to each other of they intend to marry each other, and even then, dates should be kept to under three hours. There’s time to get to know each other and let “love” grow once you’re married. Being “in love” is a goyishe concept that the secular world uses as an excuse to be oiver arayos aand still feel good about themselves. We’re yidden; we don’t act like that.
One more shrekliche matzav we need to address as a community, rabboisai. Recently there has been a terrible bilbul started by a beis din in Chicago which is claiming that a well-known mechanech has been doing things which are inappropriate with girls in his seminaries. I’m sure the beis din thinks it is acting l’shem shamayim, but the truth is that anyone who could even think about making such claims against such an adam gadol must nebach be mentally ill and have problems. The tzibbur should disregard these terrible, terrible rumours and motzi shem ra, and continue to support the torah that’s being taught in these seminaries. Unfortunately, so great is the power of lashon hara that this adam gadol has been forced by certain overzealous ballebatim to leave his position at the seminary. It is a great loss to klal yisrael, but we will overcome and shteig and go michayil el chayil. With your help, rabboisai, we will preserve yiddishkeit for dorei doiros, ad biyas goel tzedek amen!
Every Yuchenflutz with a Beard and Smicha
Overheard in shul a day later
Hey, Yankel, have you heard about those crazies in Lev Tahor? Yeah, the nutty Burqua ladies—the Taliban ladies. Oy, nebach, those meshugenas. That’s not what the torah intended; they’re taking Halacha too far, to the point of distorting it. They look Muslim, not Jewish. Nebach. It’s all about a balance, Yankel. My rav gave a shmuess about it last week. You remember the story of chava and the etz hada’as. He said that the world was created with only one mitzvah, and that it ended with one chumrah—when Chava told the Nachash that she wasn’t allowed to touch the tree. The Nachash pushed her, she didn’t die, and she stopped believing that the tree could kill her at all, even though Hakados Baruch Hu had specifically told her that eating from it would kill her. It’s a moiredikeh vort! Being too machmir can cause you to stop listening to the torah, too! That’s what those Lev tahor weirdos don’t understand. Oy, we need Moshiach.