Alan Dershowitz Announces a Sequel to His Best-Seller, “Chutzpah” (Satire/Parody)

Alan Dershowitz (photo by Sage Ross) GNU License

Alan Dershowitz (photo by Sage Ross) GNU License

Back in 2012 I posted a satire about Dershowitz in connection with his defense of Hasidic pervert, Baruch Lebovits. Eventually Lebovits pled guilty to eight felony counts of oral sex with a minor. Dershowitz is back in the news with allegations that he had sex with minors procured for him by convicted child sex abuser, Jeffrey Epstein. (Epstein is one of a number of his child molesting clients along with Roman Polanski, Baruch Lanner, and Lebovits.) As is his style, Dershowitz is fighting back. I am reserving judgement on who to believe, but either way I find Dershowitz unsavory. It seemed like time to re-post this oldie but goodie.

Alan Dershowitz has signed a contract for a sequel to his best-selling book with Little, Brown & Co for a two million dollar  advance. In his first book, Chutzpah, published in 1992, he argued that “U.S. Jewry should shed its second-class citizenship syndrome and show a little chutzpah in defining its relationship with gentile, Christian America.” His new book is tentatively titled, Much More Chutzpah: How Satmar Hasidim Do It. He intends to show how Satmar has mastered the art of sticking it to gentiles and Jews alike.

In an interview with this reporter from Publishers Weekly, Dershowitz said,

These guys are fearless. The whole world is condemning them from the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal to the New York Jewish Week, the Jewish Press, and the orthodox Rabbinical Council of America. They don’t give a damn. Hasidim have fire in their bellies and rocks in their hands.

Move over Meir Kahane. These guys make him look like a pussy. In the outside world Jews politely debate Israel policy. In Williamsburg I almost got lynched when I forgot to remove the Israeli flag from my lapel. But then  my good friends David Niederman and Moshe Friedman announced “He’s a Zionist mamzer but he’s Satmar’s mamzer; he is going to defend our molester, Nechemya and protect our real estate from victim lawsuits.” Then I was treated to some real Satmar chesed (kindness).

They cheered me and invited me to see how they handled snitches. “As an officer of the court,” I explained, “I have to be able to say truthfully, I was not involved in witness intimidation, harassment, bribery, assault and battery.” They all laughed heartily. It is hard for me to describe, but it is the hasidic version of wink, wink, nod, nod. But with much more gusto.

I am sick and tired of defending guys who complain about media bias and undermine their claim by guilty expressions.  These guys have their paranoia stoked to boiling point so they can say it with conviction. The Litvak pussies in Lakewood privately fund raised for their pervert, Yossi Kolko. His uncle Yiddie Kolko took a plea deal. It was a great deal. No jail time, no sex offender registry listing. But still, it opened up his employer, Torah Temimah, to ongoing lawsuits. These guys go for broke, fighting every last case. They didn’t care how it looked when they held a public fundraiser for Nechemya Weberman. They know their business. The event whipped everyone into line in Williamsburg. They have real solidarity, like the Penn State football team. Like linebackers, they take their lumps and go to jail without snitching. You won’t find any Dweck dreck (feces) in Satmar.

Their PR flack, Yossi Gestetner is a Hasidic Rush Limbaugh but better. Taller, thinner, and with better hearing. Sure his English stinks. But this guy can segue from lie to lie like basketball champs passing a ball. He can fake, and switch topics, feint indignation, and then return and confuse folks with an unexpected trivial truth. He makes that truth seem important.  Man, if he were literate in English I might be able to turn him into a prize, pervert-defending, trial lawyer.

I am sick and tired of anemic, liberal, Jewish intellectuals who think they are real Jews because they are cerebral and thoughtful. Satmar is the real thing. I am not talking about the schmendriks who sit and learn all day. When I think of real Jews, I think of the Purple Gang in Detroit that even made Al Capone deal with them for booze during Prohibition. I think of Murder Incorporated, a bunch of Jewish shtarkers from Brownsville that were the best contract murderers in the business. Satmar hasidim have all their qualities plus hot Hungarian blood stoked by paprika and fire in their bellies from the after-burn of Meal Mart kosher take-out. Ben Gurion used to say that Golda Meir was the only one in his cabinet with beitzim (eggs). These guys have Chazon Ish sized eggs. For you goyim, that means, jumbo-sized rocks.

Publisher’s Weekly recorded Alan Dershowitz making these comments during an interview last night. In spite of  his claims to the contrary, they were not edited and he forgot to say that this interview was off the record. Our attorney, Byron Bratcher stands ready to defend the propriety of publishing this interview. He said many other things but it was the usual boring stuff about defendant rights, antisemitism, constitutional issues, and how he is the best appellate attorney in America. We plan to also post those segments of the interview on our website, but we don’t expect much traffic.

While most of his legal colleagues are disgusted by his antics, a few of them believe he is laying the groundwork for a court ruling that Satmar are so despised that they cannot get a fair trial anywhere in the U. S.

In spite of his vigorous denials and claims that we are defaming him we are not sure he really cares. Inside sources at his publisher tell us that pre-publication sales have jumped to unprecedented levels for a non-fiction book by a lawyer.

According to one reliable unnamed publishing industry insider, Dershowitz is branching out into other genres. His agent, Sam Salacious, is circulating a prospectus for a book tentatively titled, Fifty Shades of Black and White: Hasidism That Hurts.


5 thoughts on “Alan Dershowitz Announces a Sequel to His Best-Seller, “Chutzpah” (Satire/Parody)

  1. I have no idea whether the allegations about Alan Dershowitz are true, but I am concerned when I read on the blogs and social media that some people are convinced by his public statements and that he “sounds genuine”. Without a court case to examine all the evidence, these public statements are largely worthless.

    I would encourage people to read this statement of denial of by Jeffrey Archer and his highly paid solicitors who are among the most respected legal practices in the UK. We all know what happened to Jeffrey Archer in the end.

    Lord Archer’s statement was released by his solicitors, Mishcon de Reya. They said the “flood of unfounded and reckless allegations” about Lord Archer had “compelled” him to add to his earlier statement.

    The full statement from Lord Archer read: “I have already explained why I asked Mr Ted Francis to ‘cover’ for me.

    “I utterly refute the suggestion that the late Mr Terence Baker committed or was asked to commit perjury on my behalf and that I paid Mr Michael Stacpoole to prevent him from giving evidence.

    “I reiterate that I did not have sexual relations with Monica Coghlan or with any other prostitute.

    “Further a number of wild allegations have been made about my share dealings and my bank accounts. These allegations are baseless and will if necessary also be dealt with by me in the appropriate forum.”

    • For those not up on British scandals, Jeffrey Archer, Lord Archer
      of Weston-super-Mare, was a popular author whose books sold 250 million copies in his lifetime and was Deputy Chairman of the Conservative party. “His political career ended with his conviction and subsequent imprisonment (2001–03) for perjury and perverting the course of justice.” See Wikipedia.

      The entire establishment took his side initially when he was accused of illicit sex. Wikipedia reports on the first trial where he sued for libel over the allegations:

      “The Daily Star alleged that Archer had paid for sex with Coghlan.[3] He responded by suing the Daily Star. The case came to court in July 1987. Explaining the payment to Coghlan as the action of a philanthropist rather than that of a guilty man, Archer won the case and was awarded £500,000 damages. Archer stated he would donate the money to charity. This case would ultimately result in Archer’s final exit from front-line politics some years later. The description the judge (Mr Justice Caulfield) gave of Mrs Archer in his jury instructions included: “Remember Mary Archer in the witness-box. Your vision of her probably will never disappear. Has she elegance? Has she fragrance? Would she have, without the strain of this trial, radiance? How would she appeal? Has she had a happy married life? Has she been able to enjoy, rather than endure, her husband Jeffrey?” The judge then went on to say of Jeffrey Archer, “Is he in need of cold, unloving, rubber-insulated sex in a seedy hotel round about quarter to one on a Tuesday morning after an evening at the Caprice?”[24]. By this time, according to the journalist Adam Raphael, Jeffrey and Mary Archer were living largely separate lives. The editor of the Daily Star, Lloyd Turner, was sacked six weeks after the trial by the paper’s owner Lord Stevens of Ludgate.[25] Adam Raphael soon afterwards found proof that Archer had perjured himself at the trial, but his superiors were unwilling to take the risk of a potentially costly libel case.[26].

      But 13 years after he prevailed at his first libel trial, Archer was convicted of perjury and perverting the course of justice because of his conduct at his first trial. He was sentenced to four years in jail.

      All this is a long way of reminding people that Dershowitz may be telling the truth and he may be lying through his teeth. Time will tell, since the issue has now been joined in the courts.

      As always, the loving wife and daughter proves nothing, one way or the other.

      • Thank you YL, for elucidating the Archer story. I, for one, had no knowledge/connection to these events. Long and circuitous. Four years at the end?
        No way in the world that “our” Dersh bag will follow in Archer’s tracks. IMHO

        However, in a world in which our fuhrer will not allow media to use any of the following words, “terrorist, radical, Muslim” singly, let alone, conjointly,,,,,, all bets are off.

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