New Insane Kosher Certifications – SATIRE

OU Kosher Toilet Bowl CleanerBack in May 2014 I announced my Kosher Madness Contest on FaceBook

We now have kosher certifications on toilet paper, toilet bowl cleaner, and injectible life-saving medicines.

CHALLENGE: come up with the most absurd new terrain for a kosher certifying agency.

I never got around to announcing winners and forgot about the contest. But, now with Passover around the corner, I was reminded of this again when I saw a pesticide certified as kosher for Passover. Then there were the baby wipes because you can never start too soon or fail to cover every angle.

Kosher for Passover Pesticide

Kosher for Passover Pesticide

I returned to the submissions and picked out my favorites, lightly editing the submissions and occasionally taking the liberty of adding in a detail of my own.

Here are some of my favorites in the order in which they were submitted. I came up with 18, an auspicious lifeblood number for all the vampire hucksters hoping to suck some money and life-blood out of the naive.

  1. Azi Graeber Kosher oxygen tanks with certified bug-free air.
  2. Ben Schapiro Kosher contact lenses because when you cry your tears can end up in your mouth.
  3. Fred MacDowell Kosher licorice. Because according to Roald Dahl’s childhood memoir Boy they’re made from rat’s tails. This way, you get the kind that aren’t.
  4. Yerachmiel Lopin Tiny, extra-crisp animal crackers that don’t break and have to be swallowed whole. Avoids the chinuch problem of kids thinking ever min hachai is OK.
  5. Joseph Braun Preparation K hemorrhoid ointment to replace Preparation H which includes shark oil and enters the digestive track.
  6. Yerachmiel Lopin micro-electronic sensors you could swallow to detect last meat meal with timers to signal when you can have milk. Comes in general, Yekke and Dutch versions set for 6, 3, and 1 hour. Mehadrin versions extend that further.
  7. Zackary Sholem Berger · Kosher quarks that make only fleischig or milchig protons certified by Rav W. Heisenberg.
  8. Yerachmiel Lopin Underwear certified never to have been dedicated to avoidah zarah or intended for Mormons. It is especially important to confirm that hair shirts did not come from India.
  9. Yerachmiel Lopin Kosher PhotoShop that is fully automated so a heimish guy doesn’t have to look at a woman before she is blurred or removed. You gotta protect the censors from temptation of  looking at rebitzins all day.
  10. Yerachmiel Lopin Kosher multi panel windows and doors which have all panes formed of triangles so you get Stars of David and not crosses. Comes in an anti-Zionist version with round panes.
  11. Yerachmiel Lopin Kosher electronic monitoring bracelets, muttar for shabbos. Emblazoned with “An innocent victim of a moiser” and certified by the Munkatch Rebbe.
  12. Yossi Ginzberg Barbie dolls with tznius dresses, pierced ears, midos tovos, programmed not to talk to Ken and with a hechsher by a rav and a shadchan. To be known as Brochoh Dolls™.
  13. Hannah Rothstein Air filters that keep the bugs out when you inhale. The deluxe version has an electronic speech detector that cuts off your air supply if you attempt to speak loshon horah.
  14. Yerachmiel Lopin Supersized olives as the only ones that are kosher. This will eliminate any arguments about the Chazon Ish’s ruling.
  15. Marianne Meyer Nielssen Kosher for Shabbat door bells. Automatically “plings” every half hour in case there’s someone at the door.
  16. Rose Glasses Shabbos face mask–all the style of freshly applied makeup,  while steering clear of halachic tightropes. You can walk with it on shabbos without an eiruv if you wear it like a hat. For stringent folks comes as an integral part of headgear. Specify, sheitel, tichel, snood or hat.
  17. Rose Glasses Kosher Kindle™: like a regular Kindle™, but when you try to access a non-approved book, it sets itself on fire. To be marketed by Aish Hatorah. Guaranteed to work 24/6.
  18. Rose Glasses Kosher GPS™ which only directs you to certain certified locations through certain certified routes. If there are no such available routes, control is taken over by the feature “hashem take the wheel.” The windows go dark, everyone in the car shuts their eyes, and a shomrim member steers you through a treifah area by remote control. Only available in Kosher Cars™, patent pending. The GPS voice only comes in a male option. Your choice of rabbis direct you on your way, sprinkling in inspiring anecdotes in heavy traffic. Comes in Litvish, Yeshivish, Chasidish and Sephardic voices.

There were many great submissions, but I think Rose Glasses should be declared the winner of this contest because she has brought spurious hechsherim so far into the age of information technology, leaping over older technologies like shabbos clocks and ovens.

If there are enough interesting ideas I might just post an updated compilation.

If you have PhotoShop or other artistic skills, visuals would be most welcome.

See Also:

Parody/Satire: OU Announces Hasgochah on Cattle Prods and Duct Tape

PARODY– SitWell Suppository for Hemorrhoids Receives OU Kosher Certification

How Long Till They Have a Glatt Kosher Version of the Rx That Costs More?

How To Succeed in Kosher Without Really Trying

Starting in Kosher Certification (SATIRE)

Agudah Announces Formation of OCHEL to Combat Kosher Fraud (Satire)

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7 thoughts on “New Insane Kosher Certifications – SATIRE

  1. From my teenager: device that automatically changes the lyrics of secular music from “he loves me” to “hashem loves me”.

    • Yes, more broadly we are talking about automated “frummer-uppers.” You could have one to change the lyrics and the melody and could add some yah-dee-dee-dee-dees. your photoshopper could have a dial to determine how much frummer you want your grandparents to look. You could get an automated smart editor to frum up your social media presence when it detects snooping by the vaad hatznius., etc.

  2. A reader who chooses to remain anonymous writes:

    An American family living in Israel had a toilet that broke erev Pesach. The wife told her husband she refuses to go through yom Tov without a working toilet. The husband got to work trying to find a plumber to come and install a new toilet. On erev Pesach nobody would come. However one plumber agreed that if the husband bought all the necessary parts he would tell him over the phone how to install. So the husband runs to a store buys a new toilet and parts and is running down the street in a rush. An inquisitive chareidi stopped and asked the husband “hey who told you about that chumra?”

  3. Pingback: From the Archives for Purim- New Insane Kosher Certifications – SATIRE, Introduction by LostMessiah | LOSTMESSIAH

  4. Yes, I remember this, actually Many are super outstanding, like #6 YL,, hard to order them in order but I agree that Roseglasses is outstanding,
    Kudos to her or him, b’di’avad. I have so missed FF, and hope now to hear, from time to time, albeit i am not FB member nor will i ever be,
    constantly check FF. for activity.

    Thank you YL, for reposting this, as you know, LOL, and others, I am a major admirer of yours, but not stam, not bli siba, elah due to merit,
    PLease stay here with us,

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