FROM THE SATIRE ARCHIVES: Panic Spreads in Rabbinic Circles Over Failed Messiah’s Purchase of Vos Iz Neias (SATIRE)

This post first appeared in January 2011 when the website Vos iz Neias was subjected to kol koreh (proclomation) banning the site. It is a timely reminder of how things can change. Now it is Failed Messiah that was bought out by orthodox bussiness people. Enjoy and laugh.

Panic Spreads in Rabbinic Circles Over Failed Messiah’s Purchase of Vos Iz Neias (SATIRE)

Jewish Financial Times– Exclusive Report by Zahava Gold

Shmarya (Scottie) Rosenberg, the blogger who operates the muckraking site, Failed Messiah, announced today that he acquired Vos Iz Neias, known for short as VIN. Goldman Sachs provided a $7.3 million dollar combined equity investment and loan to make this deal possible. The two sites will operate separately but Shmarya intends to make major changes in VIN. He said in an interview today with the Jewish Financial Times:

Jews are entitled to the same gossip as gentiles. The gloves are coming off at VIN. No more sanitized polite treatment of charedi miscreants. We will name molesters and crooks. The political interests behind every new ban will be exposed. Every rabbinic shidduch will be evaluated for its implications for the standing of a malchus. We will produce objective ratings of yeshivas just as US News and World Report ranks universities. We will also start ranking Jewish charities for their effectiveness and overhead, same as they do at Charity Navigator. Kiruv guys watch out. People are going to find out whether you really are having any effect. Brochures and propaganda speeches will no longer fool contributors. Families will no longer be able to dump their less capable relatives into jobs where they are ineffective. Orthodox Jews are hungry for the truth. I will make a ton of money feeding that hunger.

The editor of VIN is pleased with his new wealth but complains about being inundated by calls from shadchanim, Realtors from Miami and Jerusalem, and Lexus dealers.

Shmarya explained why he would operate Failed Messiah separately from VIN.

Goldman Sachs insisted that VIN could not succeed if half of the headlines contained the words “charedi rabbi arrested” and a third of the articles dealt with Chabad. I wasn’t willing to give up that sort of journalism. I also am not interested in reporting on the latest heimish pop music event, special Passover cruise, new kosher product, kosher certification squabble, or new standards for modesty in clothing and speech. But these are very profitable areas to cover because they bring in a lot of advertising. So I will continue to personally write and edit Failed Messiah for my own emotional satisfaction, while I manage VIN as a moneymaker and delegate these tasks to people who are actually interested in the moneymaking topics.

As rumors about of the impending deal rippled out from Wall Street to heimish Brooklyn and beyond, askanim tried to nip it in the bud. Pinny Lipschutz offered to retract his insults about VIN and replace it with fawning coverage. Matzav announced that they would fire Gavriel Rivlin. The Novominsker Rebbe offered to have Agudah take out large ads in VIN to announce that the ban was a mistake and they had been mislead by askanim. David Niederman and  R. Malkiel Kotler offered the VIN editor the shishi aliyah at the Satmar bais medrish in Williamsburg and the BMG bais medrish in Lakewood.  But these attempts at placating VIN were too late. The deal had already been signed.

Only Chabad was indifferent to the threat. As their spokesperson, Mendel Krinsky explained off the record,

We have access to the New York Times, the Presidents of the United States and Russia and the Prime Minister of Israel. Why should we worry about the Jewish media? Our big contributors aren’t frum and they don’t read Jewish media, except the stuff we hand them. Those are already followers will believe anything we tell them, especially when we claim it was said by the Rebbe shlita/zatzal. Besides how can VIN be any worse for us than Failed Messiah?

As this story goes to press we await further details about the ways in which this merger acquisition will be implemented.

Meanwhile, there is a story in the Wall Street Journal about a consortium of investors developing technology for blocking all mobile and WIFI signals. They anticipate hiring high-powered lawyers and lobbyists to craft legislation which allows a community to declare itself an “information free zone” and exempt itself from laws which make it a crime to jam the airwaves. Sarah Palin supports the idea as long as it doesn’t apply to her. Agudath Israel of America’s Executive VP, David Zwiebel, proudly declared, “we are unequivocally behind such legislation.”


3 thoughts on “FROM THE SATIRE ARCHIVES: Panic Spreads in Rabbinic Circles Over Failed Messiah’s Purchase of Vos Iz Neias (SATIRE)

  1. Reblogged this on LOSTMESSIAH and commented:

    LostMessiah’s very existence is to carry the torch for Shmarya Rosenberg and his site. We feel this post quite apropos given the circumstances. LostMessiah, March 1, 2016

    • You are welcome to use my stuff within fair use limits (Max 150 words or less than 2/3 of article, whichever is less) explicit credit of me as the source and a link to my posting, not just my top level URL. Under those conditions I am flattered and glad to have it used and spread.

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