A Shadchan Evaluates Esther on Shushan Purim (satire from the archives by Raizy Handler)

first appeared in 2019

Look, she has to be realistic. She married a goy. She has a son from a previous marriage. Not everyone’s gonna be okay with that.

Maybe she had no choice, but do you really ever have no choice? I’m just saying. I’m just gonna be honest with you, because I don’t wanna waste your time or my time.

She’s a partier, she likes partying. You know, people are gonna have questions about that. There’s a lot of questionable things, you know… There were some real bad influences at those parties. Anti-Semites. That’s what I hear. What can I tell you. I don’t know, I don’t know what to believe.

The niece of Mordechai. You’d think someone like that wouldn’t be partying with men at all. She really threw her whole life away. And not just one party, some one-off thing, but multiple times. You know, people have their guard up for a reason. I’ll try, I’ll try, but she has to understand this.

It’s not gonna be the best boy in the world, the best learner. He might be from a poor family. You can’t have it all.

Now, about the megillah, it’s really not such a nice thing that it’s called after her name. It’s really not about her. It’s not really the most tznius to be so out there, publicly.

Mordechai, he’s a big talmid chocham. That’s really more appropriate.

And you know, there just aren’t that many yeshiva boys looking for a girl with green skin! I’m sorry. I’m sorry, it’s just how it is. And she doesn’t want to wear makeup? Look, not everyone is model gorgeous, but you need to at least make an effort.

Also, I don’t wanna say loshon hara really. But just between you and me, some parents are concerned that she’s a little too… relaxed, with Mordechai. A little too comfortable. I’m not saying something happened!!! Chas v’shalom, chas v’shalom! I’m not saying that it happened, I would never say such a thing. Of course, he would never. He would never. I’m sure, I’m sure I’m sure, I’m sure.

But you know. she’s an orphan, she was raised in a single-parent home… So she’s a little, emotionally… not all there. It’s sad, it’s very sad…

But what can you do?