ChaptzemNisht Rebbe’s Chanukah Message on Lashon Horah Mehudar (Satire)


This post is from 2009. Enjoy! In English the title of the post would translate loosely as, “The Don’tCatch’Em Rabbi’s Chanukah Message about Very Scrupulously Refraining from Gossip.”

Prison 1Rabossai (Gentlemen), Because of our great sins we are in exile. We are too far from hashem (G-d) and too close to each other in Otisville Correctional Institution. Some say nisht geferlich (not terrible) because there are separate litvish and chasidish  minyanim (prayer groups). But what good does it do to have a Hasidic minyan (prayer quorum) when fights break out every time someone shouts yechi (the Chabad phrase proclaiming their late Rebbe, the messiah). But a yid (Jew) has to rejoice and bring simchah (joy) into the world. Yes, yavanim (Hellenists) brought avodah zorah (idol worship) into the har habayis (temple mount), but we triumphed and expelled them.  Nowadays we are also afflicted by our new Greeks who endanger the spiritual health of our people by driving Jews into jails. I want to talk about the three sins that cause this terrible situation: lashon horah (gossip), mesirah (informing), and neglect of pidyon shvuyim (redeeming captives). If every yid (Jew) in the world would follow these Jewish principles this tragic situation would end. Continue reading

The Shabbos Goy App – SATIRE

smart phone hasidOrthodoxy is resisting the trend to reading things in electronic formats. Manipulating electronics on the Sabbath is forbidden unless lives are in danger. This keeps print medium viable in that world. But less face it, print is expensive and limited.

I am imagining that sooner or later a heter (permissive ruling) will be found involving the electronic incarnation of the shabbos goy (gentile who does things for Jews they cannot themselves do on the sabbath).

If it is a reader along the lines of the Amazon Kindle it will have a very different name. After all, kindling fires is explicitly forbidden on the Sabbath.

They will also have to avoid even the appearance of the reader directly controlling it. So they will invent the electronic shabbos goy. It cannot be Siri for the guys. This would not fly in a world where women’s voices are considered too sexual. It will be a male with a gentile name like Christopher or Stanislaw. Continue reading

The Dance of Genghis Cohn

       First posted 10/4/12. Reposted for in connection with the parsha about Dina

After Shechem raped Dinah he wanted to marry her. His father offered Jacob a generous bride price. Jacobs’s sons added on a demand that they and their townspeople get circumcised, and they agreed. At which point Shimon and Levi swooped in and killed them all. Jacob reprimanded them for messing up relations with the local Canaanites and Peerizzites but they shot back “Should our sister be treated like a prostitute. That was one Jewish response to rape.

Romain Gary (aka Romain Kacev of Vilna)

Romain Gary (aka Romain Kacev of Vilna)

Romain Gary offers another response in his dark comic novel, The Dance of Genghis Cohn. Moishe Cohn is a vaudeville cabaret comedian in Weimar Germany performing with the stage name, Genghis Cohn. He is swept up in the holocaust and now finds himself in Eastern Europe naked with other Jews on the edge of a killing pit. Schatz, the Nazi officer, decides to mock his victims by asking, “Any last requests?” Ever the comedian, Cohn bends over and cracks, “Kish mein tuchis! (Kiss my behind!)”

After the war Cohn extracts his revenge on Officer Schatz, who is now a respectable Police Chief, by possessing him as a dybuk (ghost). Continue reading

Do Not Dress Like A Modern Orthodox Jew, Even On Purim

From the archives from 2/26/10

HaloModiah

Adar 11, 5770

Rav ChasVchallilah Chinyok, of Bnei Brak paskened that one may not dress like a so-called modern “orthodox Jew,” even on Purim. In an interview with HaloModiah he explained:

Wearing modern orthodox clothing implies laxity on halachah, contempt for torah lishmah, the heresy of Zionism, and now, support for women as rabbis. In the past I have been lenient because we know that on Purim we wear costumes of goyim and others we do not emulate. It is understood that this is a joke, lehepech, to turn things around and do the opposite. Recently I have heard young people say that they admire the way those other Jews can have internet and train for parnassah. It has come to my attention through a choshov askan, who publishes kosher newspaper, that many of our youth were planning to dress up as modern orthodox Jews this Purim. The intent was not lehapech, but to sneak out and go to Internet cafes. Accordingly this year we will not allow modern orthodox costumes on Purim. There are plenty of goyish and animal costumes one can wear instead.

A Career Newsletter for Becoming a Gadol (Satire)

From my archives. First posted 10/12/09. Go there for some funny comments.

B’Derech HaGadolim, is a new trade newsletter for ambitious rabbis. Subscriptions are by invitation only.

ARTICLES

The Dance of Genghis Cohn

       First posted 10/4/12. Reposted for Yom Hashoah in memory of Romain Gary

After Shechem raped Dinah he wanted to marry her. His father offered Jacob a generous bride price. Jacobs’s sons added on a demand that they and their townspeople get circumcised, and they agreed. At which point Shimon and Levi swooped in and killed them all. Jacob reprimanded them for messing up relations with the local Canaanites and Peerizzites but they shot back “Should our sister be treated like a prostitute. That was one Jewish response to rape.

Romain Gary (aka Romain Kacev of Vilna)

Romain Gary (aka Romain Kacev of Vilna)

Romain Gary offers another response in his dark comic novel, The Dance of Genghis Cohn. Moishe Cohn is a vaudeville cabaret comedian in Weimar Germany performing with the stage name, Genghis Cohn. He is swept up in the holocaust and now finds himself in Eastern Europe naked with other Jews on the edge of a killing pit. Schatz, the Nazi officer, decides to mock his victims by asking, “Any last requests?” Ever the comedian, Cohn bends over and cracks, “Kish mein tuchis! (Kiss my behind!)”

After the war Cohn extracts his revenge on Officer Schatz, who is now a respectable Police Chief, by possessing him as a dybuk (ghost). Continue reading