From the Archives: Mesirah or Mesorah? It All Depends! — SATIRE

Special to IzDosNishtNeias? by Sylvia Glenn

Barber and kidBoro Park was happy to learn that two brothers who were serial molesters of Hasidic children in the neighborhood were arrested by the NYPD. According to Leib Rabidnowitch, “At last we can have some of these criminals arrested, baruch hashem (thank G-d). Even my uncle, the Munchkin Rebbe, says there is no problem of mesirah (snitching).” Mayer Lebedowitz went further and said, “I hope they give those shaygetz mamzerim (creepy bastards) a bris (circumcision) without anesthesia.” David Freedman said, “I would never let an outsider touch our children.” Rabbi Avrohom Reichman nodded in agreement.

Breaking with its usual practice, Hamodiah published the names of the accused brothers Continue reading

FROM THE SATIRE ARCHIVES: Panic Spreads in Rabbinic Circles Over Failed Messiah’s Purchase of Vos Iz Neias (SATIRE)

This post first appeared in January 2011 when the website Vos iz Neias was subjected to kol koreh (proclomation) banning the site. It is a timely reminder of how things can change. Now it is Failed Messiah that was bought out by orthodox bussiness people. Enjoy and laugh.

Panic Spreads in Rabbinic Circles Over Failed Messiah’s Purchase of Vos Iz Neias (SATIRE)

Jewish Financial Times– Exclusive Report by Zahava Gold

Shmarya (Scottie) Rosenberg, the blogger who operates the muckraking site, Failed Messiah, announced today that he acquired Vos Iz Neias, known for short as VIN. Goldman Sachs provided a $7.3 million dollar combined equity investment and loan to make this deal possible. The two sites will operate separately but Shmarya intends to make major changes in VIN. He said in an interview today with the Jewish Financial Times:

Jews are entitled to the same gossip as gentiles. The gloves are coming off at VIN. No more sanitized polite treatment of charedi miscreants. We will name molesters and crooks. The political interests behind every new ban will be exposed. Every rabbinic shidduch will be evaluated for its implications for the standing of a malchus. We will produce objective ratings of yeshivas just as US News and World Report ranks universities. We will also start ranking Jewish charities for their effectiveness and overhead, same as they do at Charity Navigator. Kiruv guys watch out. People are going to find out whether you really are having any effect. Brochures and propaganda speeches will no longer fool contributors. Families will no longer be able to dump their less capable relatives into jobs where they are ineffective. Orthodox Jews are hungry for the truth. I will make a ton of money feeding that hunger. Continue reading

ChaptzemNisht Rebbe’s Chanukah Message on Lashon Horah Mehudar (Satire)


This post is from 2009. Enjoy! In English the title of the post would translate loosely as, “The Don’tCatch’Em Rabbi’s Chanukah Message about Very Scrupulously Refraining from Gossip.”

Prison 1Rabossai (Gentlemen), Because of our great sins we are in exile. We are too far from hashem (G-d) and too close to each other in Otisville Correctional Institution. Some say nisht geferlich (not terrible) because there are separate litvish and chasidish  minyanim (prayer groups). But what good does it do to have a Hasidic minyan (prayer quorum) when fights break out every time someone shouts yechi (the Chabad phrase proclaiming their late Rebbe, the messiah). But a yid (Jew) has to rejoice and bring simchah (joy) into the world. Yes, yavanim (Hellenists) brought avodah zorah (idol worship) into the har habayis (temple mount), but we triumphed and expelled them.  Nowadays we are also afflicted by our new Greeks who endanger the spiritual health of our people by driving Jews into jails. I want to talk about the three sins that cause this terrible situation: lashon horah (gossip), mesirah (informing), and neglect of pidyon shvuyim (redeeming captives). If every yid (Jew) in the world would follow these Jewish principles this tragic situation would end. Continue reading

The Shabbos Goy App – SATIRE

smart phone hasidOrthodoxy is resisting the trend to reading things in electronic formats. Manipulating electronics on the Sabbath is forbidden unless lives are in danger. This keeps print medium viable in that world. But less face it, print is expensive and limited.

I am imagining that sooner or later a heter (permissive ruling) will be found involving the electronic incarnation of the shabbos goy (gentile who does things for Jews they cannot themselves do on the sabbath).

If it is a reader along the lines of the Amazon Kindle it will have a very different name. After all, kindling fires is explicitly forbidden on the Sabbath.

They will also have to avoid even the appearance of the reader directly controlling it. So they will invent the electronic shabbos goy. It cannot be Siri for the guys. This would not fly in a world where women’s voices are considered too sexual. It will be a male with a gentile name like Christopher or Stanislaw. Continue reading

The Dance of Genghis Cohn

       First posted 10/4/12. Reposted for in connection with the parsha about Dina

After Shechem raped Dinah he wanted to marry her. His father offered Jacob a generous bride price. Jacobs’s sons added on a demand that they and their townspeople get circumcised, and they agreed. At which point Shimon and Levi swooped in and killed them all. Jacob reprimanded them for messing up relations with the local Canaanites and Peerizzites but they shot back “Should our sister be treated like a prostitute. That was one Jewish response to rape.

Romain Gary (aka Romain Kacev of Vilna)

Romain Gary (aka Romain Kacev of Vilna)

Romain Gary offers another response in his dark comic novel, The Dance of Genghis Cohn. Moishe Cohn is a vaudeville cabaret comedian in Weimar Germany performing with the stage name, Genghis Cohn. He is swept up in the holocaust and now finds himself in Eastern Europe naked with other Jews on the edge of a killing pit. Schatz, the Nazi officer, decides to mock his victims by asking, “Any last requests?” Ever the comedian, Cohn bends over and cracks, “Kish mein tuchis! (Kiss my behind!)”

After the war Cohn extracts his revenge on Officer Schatz, who is now a respectable Police Chief, by possessing him as a dybuk (ghost). Continue reading

Do Not Dress Like A Modern Orthodox Jew, Even On Purim

From the archives from 2/26/10

HaloModiah

Adar 11, 5770

Rav ChasVchallilah Chinyok, of Bnei Brak paskened that one may not dress like a so-called modern “orthodox Jew,” even on Purim. In an interview with HaloModiah he explained:

Wearing modern orthodox clothing implies laxity on halachah, contempt for torah lishmah, the heresy of Zionism, and now, support for women as rabbis. In the past I have been lenient because we know that on Purim we wear costumes of goyim and others we do not emulate. It is understood that this is a joke, lehepech, to turn things around and do the opposite. Recently I have heard young people say that they admire the way those other Jews can have internet and train for parnassah. It has come to my attention through a choshov askan, who publishes kosher newspaper, that many of our youth were planning to dress up as modern orthodox Jews this Purim. The intent was not lehapech, but to sneak out and go to Internet cafes. Accordingly this year we will not allow modern orthodox costumes on Purim. There are plenty of goyish and animal costumes one can wear instead.

A Career Newsletter for Becoming a Gadol (Satire)

From my archives. First posted 10/12/09. Go there for some funny comments.

B’Derech HaGadolim, is a new trade newsletter for ambitious rabbis. Subscriptions are by invitation only.

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